Inner Space

managing emotions

Mountain Meditation

Mountain Meditation for Staying Steady during Stressful Times

Stress is really an overused word and yet it is a defining aspect of our current, modern life. When you are in the loop of stress and constant thoughts, it is easy to forget that the calm, stable, mountain-like, steadiness is also within you, at that very moment, co-existing with the stress response. You may feel completely caught up in thoughts, may not see a solution to your problems, your energy may be totally expended and your body may be fatigued. And yet you are the mountain, strong, stable and steady! Both knowing and accessing this state while stressed can be difficult but here I am sharing with you a practice that will make it possible. This is the practice of Mountain Meditation. Some of you who have been a part of our 8 week mindfulness meditation course have already experienced it. Continue The Practice of Mountain Meditation Join Our Community and Read the Free E-Book ‘First Few Steps To Mindfulness’ Click here This is a great practice when you need to re-orient, ground yourself, deal with worry and fear and access the resources of stability and steadiness within you. Remember, right now you are what your attention is fixed on. Doing this practice is a way of moving your attention from the constant, stressful thinking and planning and taking some time to let your mind and body resources get renewed.   Here are both the English and the Hindi versions for you. All you need to do is sit comfortably with closed eyes and follow the audio. English Version Hindi Version share this blog! read similar blogs Manage Hypertension with Mindfulness On World Hypertension day, here is our sharing on how… Read More Inner Space TeamMay 16, 2022 How to Find Time to Meditate? How To Find Time To Meditate? How To Find Time… Read More Inner Space TeamFebruary 14, 2022 Benefits Of Mindfulness The Many Benefits Of Mindfulness Benefits Of Mindfulness Mindfulness helps… Read More Inner Space TeamSeptember 17, 2021 THE BURDEN: A STORY TO HELP YOU STOP WORRYING “When walking, walk. When eating, eat”. This popular Zen proverb… Read More Inner Space TeamNovember 1, 2012

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anxiety, mindfulness, meditation

Coping with Anxiety Using Mindfulness

Anxiety and coping with it consumes a lot of energy for many of us. If you are prone to anxiety, you know that it feels like a continuous buzz in the mind, with streams of thought about alarming situations, how they could be dreadful, how they can be prevented and what if you can’t prevent it. Then, you live in a constant fear of certain things happening, or not happening. Either way, you are perpetually stressed. How can mindfulness help here? How does anxiety continue and how can training your attention to be in the present help? Sadia Saeed, who is a Clinical Psychologist and a Mindfulness Teacher, answers these questions. She explains what anxiety is from a neurological point of view and then explains how mindfulness training helps in coping with it. https://youtu.be/ppo65BKgqZs

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Teen’s Cyber Wellness

Ghosting in Relationships

“I was seeing someone I met online. We went on a few dates and things seemed to be going well. All of a sudden no calls, no texts. I never heard from her again” Sounds familiar? Hinge, Bumble, Truly Madly, Tinder and other dating apps now make it easy to quickly wade through choices of partners since many alternatives are available. We can spend our evenings swiping through profiles without considering them as real people. At first glance, this can make us giddy with excitement at the unprecedented number of options. However, this also means that people have now become reduced to text messages and online posts. This can lead to some significant negative consequences. One of which includes ghosting. So, What is Ghosting?   Ghosting is when an individual, a friend or a romantic partner, abruptly stops all contact. All communication ceases. This would naturally lead the “ghostee” to experience a host of negative emotions that include shame, hurt, anger, sadness and guilt. Since much of our conversation now takes place through online mediums, ghosting has  become extremely easy. According to a survey conducted in the west on about 800 participants between the ages of 18-33, 80% of millenials have responded saying they have been ghosted at some point in their lives. Dealing with Ghosting in Relationships   If You Tend to Ghost   If you tend to ghost, you don’t know how to handle the emotions that would come about if you expressed how you really feel. You may feel guilty, but after engaging in ghosting repeatedly, you may become less sensitised to the feelings of the other person, as well as your own feelings. You may they may wrongly believe that this is a way to spare the other person even more heartbreak by expressing yourself. This could mean that you have difficulty dealing with stressful emotions and you may need support for this. Chances are that you feel stuck. This is can be a difficult experience to deal with. You may feel like the only way to deal with all this with minimal pain is to ghost. However, not only does this leave the other person with scars, it also leaves you stressed in the long run. You may choose to keep yourself distracted from it, but it is never easy to live with the guilt and even shame that could arise deep down. Then, you have to keep distracting yourself from it and wear a facade as though ‘nothing is wrong’.   What Can You do?   Ghosting or feeling the need to ghost can be an opportunity for introspection. Perhaps it is hard for you to be assertive. You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or saying no. You can use this experience to reflect if you have a tendency to drag relationships to a place where you feel like ghosting is the only option that is left. If you have having difficulty dealing with this, you can also seek help and have a discussion with a friend or a therapist. The best thing to do for all parties in a scenario like this one is to be honest with the person and admit that this is a relationship that will not work and the reasons behind that decision. This signifies a feeling of respect and compassion for the other person. It also leaves both of you with a greater sense of closure, which is important to move on healthily. If You Have Been Ghosted   Ghosting can lead to an experience of various unpleasant emotions for the person who is on the receiving end of the ghosting. You can feel disrespected, especially after investing time, energy and financial resources into meeting and getting to know someone. You can also feel hurt, angry, embarrassed. This can take a toll on one’s self esteem. You may feel unwanted and would sometimes look back for evidence of what they did wrong or which actions may have driven the person away. Ghosting becomes difficult to deal with because you are looking for answers to questions you may not have answers to. You are left with no opportunity for clarity and closure. If you have been ghosted, it is essential to keep in mind that this is not necessarily indicative of a shortcoming of you. Chances are that other person probably has difficulty dealing with tough emotions and tends to avoid difficult situations.   What Can You Do?   Try not to blame yourself or engage in multiple attempts to reach out. Instead, you can speak to your friends or family about the incident. Take some time out for yourself to recover and recoup. Be wary of loops of brooding. Brooding can start as a supposed search for answers but can leave your mood a lot lower than it was to begin with, and with no answers. Instead, you could check in with the body about where the difficult feeling is. Whether it is anger, hurt, sadness or fear, or even a mix of all, you can sense it in the body. Just ask yourself where this difficult feeling is. Stay with it for a bit. Breathe into it. You can also support it physically by gently placing your palm on it. All this, not to make the feeling go away, but to direct attention to where the hurt actually is, rather than to thoughts and spirals of brooding. To give support where it is due, in a way. You can also reach out for help from a mental health professional if it gets too difficult. A lot of healing is possible if things are processed rather than just stored. This blog post has been contributed by Liz Cyriac. Liz is a counseling psychologist and worked with us for a brief while. Some inputs are by Malini Krishnan. Malini is a psychologist and works with adults in individual and relationship therapy at Inner Space. Facebook-f Twitter Linkedin-in

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Having a long standing grudge against your parents?

Have a Long Standing Grudge Against Your Parents?

The way you were brought up, the experiences you had with your parents and even your peer groups play a very important role in shaping you. You may have some complaints about your parents.  You may even have some grudge against your parents that has stayed with you for years. Maybe your parents did not understand you, maybe they compared you to other kids or your siblings. Maybe they did not give you enough time, maybe they were disinterested in your life, imposing an excess of restrictions and so on. Whatever the nature of the grudge, it leads to similar emotions. You might be angry, upset, sad or deeply disappointed about this part of your childhood. Sometimes, you are unable to confront your parents or have an open conversation with them about the way you feel.  As a result, these emotions remain bottled up and unaddressed. Sometimes, a long standing grudge even affects the way you see yourself. You wonder if you are less deserving of certain experiences. This might again lead to chronic sadness, anger or insecurity. It also affects your relationships with others. You could have difficulty expressing anger, confronting others, trusting others. You might remain apprehensive about your relationships. In some way, you are unable to be yourself freely. Is It Okay To Leave A Long-Standing Grudge Against Your Parent Unaddressed? Even a brief look at how this long-standing grudge is impacting you is enough for you to know that ignoring it only worsens it. The longer these feelings remain unaddressed, the more it will fester and continue to impact you. Different areas of your life will continue to suffer, making you suffer more. How Can You Begin Addressing It? It is difficult to hold a grudge against your parents. Your parents have moulded you, taken care of you, and raised you. Experiencing love and pointed sadness or anger towards the same person can get difficult. Hence, it is worth all its while to work with the grudge rather than letting it remain on snooze mode. Here are some ways of helping you work with the grudge and related feelings: Acknowledge It: The first thing you can do here is take a step back and acknowledge that you have a grudge that is difficult to tide over. Acknowledge each emotion you feel, even the difficult ones. Shoving difficult emotions under the carpet only makes the heart heavier. Talk Your Feelings Out: Try talking to someone about these emotions. Maybe a friend, a sibling, your partner or even a therapist. Support is very important when you address certain emotions after long. Confront Your Parents: Confrontation is difficult but it helps greatly to get things off your chest. Talk to them about how you feel and be honest while doing that. Try hearing what they have to say. You might get some answers and even if you don’t, things will be openly communicated, instead of remaining bottled up. Try to Empathize: Try taking them off the pedestal of parenthood for a minute and try to see them just as people. Just for the time being, put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their situation. It might help you understand their position and what caused their behavior. There are chances you might relate to what they were going through and understand why they were not able to do better. This will open up some space for your feelings to heal. Some things are hard to let go of. At the same time, coming to terms with your past will allow you to move ahead in life with far less burden. You will notice a change in your relationships and in yourself. If you cannot let it go completely, you don’t have to. But you can try working on it, so it does not stop you from enjoying your beautiful present and from making an even more beautiful future. Feeling Misunderstood When You’re With Your Parents? Counseling can be a great tool for you to manage and work through difficulties in your relationship with your parents. We are here for you. Book an Appointment Frequently Asked Questions Can Therapy help me work on difficult emotions I have towards my parents? Therapy can be a great tool to foster acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding, and work on your relationship with your parents. Therapy can offer you a safe space for working towards resolving any resentment or difficult emotions towards parents.  Will my therapist be partial and biased, and take my parents’ side? No, a professional therapist is neutral and impartial. Their role is to support you and help you work on your feelings and emotions related to the difficult relationship. Therapists do not take sides but instead work towards fostering better understanding and communication between family members. About the Author This article was written by Inner Space Team. This post was consulted & approved by professional therapists practicing online therapy and counseling.  Ask a Therapist If you are interested to know more about parent-child relationships and other mental health topics, ‘Ask A Therapist’ is a platform for you to ask your questions related to Mental Health, Mindfulness & Emotional Well-Being to our team of qualified Therapists. Ask a Therapist Related Blogs Why We Feel Misunderstood The Gift Of Psychotherapy Dealing With Anger Mindfully

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Are You Overprotecting Your Child?

Are You Overprotecting Your Child?

The parent of today is quite different from the parent of 20 years ago. If you are today’s parent, you read up regularly, follow various parenting blogs and try to stay aware about the resources needed to raise a child effectively. You try your best to meet all your child’s needs be it at a physical, mental or social level. Many of you may have also decided on the kind of parent you would like to be. This could be based on the kind of parenting you have received as a child. “I’ll give everything I have not received to my child”, “I’ll be the best parent and will ensure that my child is always happy, protected and successful” are commonly expressed thoughts. Hence, you go through the first few years of parenting while painstakingly fulfilling every need of your child. When your child is bored, the next toy or game is readily furnished. When she is about to cry, her favorite youtube video is ready. If she refuses food, varieties of alternatives are present. If she is confused while reciting the alphabet, ready recitals are given. When she runs into a fight with another child, the parents are spoken to. Each problem is solved, each barrier, removed. Is this kind of Parenting truly Problem Free? Considering the degree of preparation and effort involved, you might expect that this kind of parenting would be least likely to create any problems for your child in their future. However, as a common consensus among psychologists, we find that this may not always be true. As overprotected children grow and enter middle childhood and teenage, psychologists find that many of them fall into one of two symptom buckets: One bucket is Anxious and Underconfident: These children are overly worried and have low self belief. They may have difficulty in making even smaller decisions with confidence. They may have difficulty taking initiative and be overly dependent on others to fulfill their needs. The other bucket is Self-Centered and Entitled: These children grow up with a sense of entitlement. They do not like to take responsibility for their actions and are looking at others to do things for them. They come across as self centered and are unable to build meaningful relationships. Observing these behaviors in your children, you worry and you question yourself– “Where am I going wrong? I am giving my child everything, every single time!” Not finding a satisfactory answer to this, you continue the same pattern of giving them whatever they need. This makes the problematic behavior even more pronounced. Looking into your pattern of overprotecting will give you an understanding of where the problem lies. Overprotecting Your Child: When You ‘Give It All’ When you take care of “everything”, you are unknowingly overprotecting your child. Every decision from the smallest, like what to wear, to the bigger ones like future plans, are highly influenced, or perhaps even taken by you.  If your child ends up facing a problem, you have ready solutions that you want the child to implement. Sometimes, you may even implement it for him or her. You shower your child with too much attention, too quickly, to take away his or her pain. Different people can overprotect their children in different ways. You may not be doing all the things described, but do you have the orientation of quickly solving all your child’s problems? Do you find it hard to tolerate your child’s discomfort? If you do, you are probably overprotecting your child. What happens as a consequence is that the child rarely has opportunity to face a crisis or a challenge and use his or her own devices to navigate through it. For example, the child has not learnt to stay with his boredom for a few minutes and figure a way out. He has only watched his boredom being taken away. He grows up to be impatient, easily frustrated and impulsive, not having the resources to deal with boredom. Similarly, if the child handles a fight wrong, and then figures how to handle it right, she has learnt how to manage. On the other hand, if you have handled it for her, she has only watched it, not learnt it. It is thus not surprising that these children grow up to have little belief in their abilities to manage their environment. They are unable to try, because they have had little opportunity to try and fail. They see failure as meaning that they are not good enough, rather than as a part of the process of figuring something out. If you do identify with these patterns, it’s not too late.  Effective parenting, simply put, is to equip children with the necessary tools to become healthy, emotionally stable, competent and independent adults who are ready for bigger challenges in life.  A parent is a guiding light under which a child begins to design his future. How do I Begin Changing this Pattern? Allow: Keep in mind that it is a good practice to allow your child to use his or her own resources before you step in. You can help your child when they are stuck. However, once they get unstuck, let them take the lead. Ask: Ask them what they feel and how they would like to deal with the situation. Give them the inputs they need to decide well; but let them take the lead. This way, the child has support and guidance while they are also actively involved, thinking, figuring it out and growing, through each situation. Pause: See how you uneasy you feel when your child is navigating through some situation. Take a few deep breaths and see if you can stay with the discomfort instead of acting out of it. Staying with difficult emotions increases our capacity to tolerate and manage it. It also reduces the urge to act impulsively and gives you space to pause and respond in a more healthy manner. This post has been contributed by Gitali Chatterji. Gitali is

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WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I FIND LIFE TO BE MEANINGLESS?

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I FIND LIFE TO BE MEANINGLESS?

It is hard to come by a person who has not experienced moments when they are swallowed up by a vacuum within themselves and in their lives. For many, these moments are fleeting. But some of us have a sense of meaninglessness deeply entrenched in our lives. The questions What am I doing here?, What is the purpose of my life? or Why am I doing what I’m doing? seem to hang over our heads like the sword of Damocles. There seems to be no convincing reason for existence. This feeling often sets in during young adulthood, when the comfort of childhood is replaced with the weight of responsibilities, but individuals of all ages may experience it sometime during their lives. This pervasive feeling of purposelessness, when sustained over time, makes you rather unhappy. It also drains you of the motivation to get out there and enjoy life. In short, life becomes a chore, a path to trudge across simply because there is no other visible option. So What does One Do When One finds Life Meaningless? Let us first look at how this feeling evolves within the each of us. We each have a number of things that bring meaning to our lives. It may be a romantic partner, or the aim of landing a dream job, a career we want to build, children we wish to raise well, or a passion for music and art. These things are fleeting, their significance in our lives temporary. Partners can be broken up with, jobs can be lost or grow monotonous, and art can get repetitive. When life is stripped bare of its sole source of meaning, all sense of purpose is in question. Robin Sharma very articulately stated, “The mind abhors a vacuum”. When deprived of a concrete end or goal that may seem to lend meaning to life, the human mind grows restless, eventually arriving at the bothersome existential question of life’s meaning. It is this very question that could either propel one forward in life, or decrease the very motivation to live. Either way, it is important to acknowledge that the tendency to question meaning and purpose is inherent in the human mind. And like all other emotional or psychological states, it can be overcome! Here’s what you can do about it. Don’t make ‘Searching for an Abstract Meaning to Life’ an Intellectual Pursuit Many people get preoccupied with the fact that death renders all of their actions debatable. They then begin to search for a higher, metaphysical meaning to life. If internalized and felt experientially, this can lead to spiritual and emotional growth. However, often, it may solely remain an intellectual pursuit, a preoccupation where we keep coming up with theories to support a higher meaning to life. Then, we feel that these theories don’t relieve us of anxiety, and search for better theories. Eventually, this increases the feeling of emotional overwhelm and we are perpetually distressed. The existential question of whether or not life has any meaning to begin with is a valid one. However, it can lead you to keep thinking and remain disconnected with your emotions. To ease this out, the idea is to not get caught in answering the question but in handling the associated emotions, and to be more mindful and present to life. As a mystic once said, “Life is a purpose unto itself”. You may not be able to know whether your life is meant to serve a purpose in the grander scheme of things. However, now that you are indeed alive, be more mindful and present to life, as it is. Do Activities that You Enjoy, for the Activity itself and Not for the Result. What are some activities that you truly enjoy? Could be interaction, could be exercise, writing.. activities are many! Do what you love, it fills you with positive energy. However, do it just for the sake of engaging in it, simply because you enjoy yourself, not necessarily for a result. One usually reaches a state of flow when partaking in their favourite activities and hobbies. Research has repeatedly shown that adults who spend more time in flow are happier overall, and tend to feel more cheerful and creative. So whip out that old guitar or paint brush and lose yourself in something you love! Stop Living in the Past and in the Future Hankering after past joy, or dreading possible future difficulties are a shortcut to misery. It is misery and suffering that often begets a questioning of the significance of life. This questioning, when left unchecked, breeds a loss of meaning. Do you find your mind constantly wandering to the past or future? If so, make yourself aware of your thoughts and consciously bring them back to the present. Practising meditative techniques also helps greatly in grounding the mind in the present. Cultivate a Beginner’s Mind Have you noticed the way a child reacts to such simple things as soap bubbles or a butterfly? Growing up takes away from the most of us the perpetual wonder that children display towards all things. “Shoshin” is a concept in Zen Buddhism which refers to a beginner’s mind; the state of being open and eager when learning something, just like a beginner. Cultivating a beginner’s mind in your daily life would mean being observant about you, and appreciating everyday things such as a tree or the clear blue sky, as if seeing them for the very first time. Do this, and you will be surprised at how you can find beauty in things you earlier thought of as mundane. Life ceases to seem meaningless when you see beauty all around you – whether in a simple flower or a sleeping stray dog. Serve It is a very human desire to want to make a difference. Involve yourself in small activities of social service. Be it helping a little extra with the household chores, buying a homeless person food, or volunteering regularly with an NGO, small acts of service go a long way in bringing meaning into one’s life.

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face, woman, head-848538.jpg

Cognitive Distortions: Reeling You In

“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”“The fault dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.”William Shakespeare We have always been told that situations don’t define us, but what matters is our attitude towards the situation. So then, what is the difference between someone who is able to take a negative event in his/her stride and someone who gets dragged down even by supposedly minor events? You’ll say “Ah! This one is easy! It depends on what we think!” Well, you are partially correct! The answer to this lies in not just what we think but how we think. In our Cognitive Distortions. What Are Cognitive Distortions? Cognitive distortions are irrational thoughts or beliefs that tend to distort our view of ourselves, the world around us and the future, usually in a negative way. Not all of us have the same distortions and not all of us have the same number of them. We also may use them selectively and with varying frequencies in different areas of our life. So then, is it really a thought problem or an attitude problem? Are people really choosing to think in this negative way? How about we look at this a little differently today? How about instead of looking at these distortions as evil and devilish, we look at them as our old- but- now- estranged- friends? Seems hard? Imagine a time when there was a perceived threat to you, real or imagined. That threat brought about some very strong feelings with it. There must have been sadness, pain, guilt, anger and shame that threatened to overwhelm your system. To save yourself from this, thought took over. A rational thinking pattern was put in place as a protective force, to save you from uncertain and possibly uncontrollable emotions. Thought then, became your friend. Slowly though, what happened was that this thought pattern and/or a series of others emerged and started being used very frequently, and in nearly each situation. So frequently, that their protective function was left behind and the thoughts became increasingly irrational and dominant. They became well integrated and enmeshed in your thinking patterns. They became distortions, maladaptive and overwhelming in their own right! Are they uncommon, then? No. In fact, cognitive distortions are very common and occur almost automatically – they don’t give us a choice! Our first response to an event or a situation becomes that! Then why can’t we identify them? That is because we don’t really know how to recognize them and how to look for them. These distortions then lead to feelings of sadness, guilt and shame or other so- called “negative” and not-fun emotions and tend to influence how we behave. Begin Your Practice of Self Awareness and Well-Being With Our Free E-book, ‘First Few Steps To Mindfulness’ Get Your Copy Knowing Myself Better : Identifying My Cognitive Distortions Take a look at the following descriptions and try identifying your cognitive distortions. Also, try imagining how you would end up feeling and behaving as a result of those. Remember, identification is just the first step! All or None or Dichotomous Thinking An individual with this thinking pattern usually looks at people/events/situations in absolute factors of either/or. So, something is rather good or bad, here or there, black or white. There is no middle ground. For example: “I failed in one paper. I am a total loser with nothing good in me.” “He did not talk to me today. I’m sure he is a terrible person” “Should” statements An individual with this thinking pattern has a majority of thoughts involving “should”, “must” or “ought to”. For example “She should’ve called me first” “I must lose weight to look more attractive” Catastrophizing An individual with this thinking pattern tends to assume the worst and sees anything negative as the worst, most terrible thing ever. For example:- “I missed one meeting, now they are going to fire me and I will never find another job” “This fight with my partner was terrible. I am sure we will break up and I will be alone, forever.” Magnifying An individual with this thinking pattern tends to blow things out of proportion and exaggerate negative events. This is similar to the saying ‘making a mountain out of a molehill.’ For example: “I made a spelling error on my test today. I am sure the teacher will fail me because of it.” “She did not text me today morning. I am sure she is angry and upset with me”. Minimizing An individual with this thinking pattern tends to minimize or give very little importance to positive events. For example: “Yes, I got a raise but it is not that big a deal and I’m still not good at my job.” “She complimented me today but I don’t think I am looking so good. Others look far better than I do.” Fortune Telling An individual with this thinking pattern tends to act like a fortune teller with a crystal ball, predicting the future, usually in a negative way. This individual arbitrarily predicts that things will turn out poorly. For example “I just know that all the tickets will get sold out even before we reach” “I just know that the team will lose tomorrow and our efforts will be wasted”. Emotional Reasoning An individual with this thinking pattern tends to believe that what he feels about the event or situation is the reality. So emotions about something are believed to be interpretation of the reality of the event. For example: “I’m feeling scared. This means there must be something dangerous here”. “I am feeling anxious about the exam. This means I am definitely going to fail.” Perfectionism An individual with this thinking pattern tends to strive for perfection in everything and in all areas of his life. For example: “My work assignment must be perfect. I cannot tolerate any mistakes”. “I have to try to be the perfect partner. I cannot

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What can you do if your child is afraid of monsters?

What to Do If Your Child is Afraid of Monsters?

What to Do If Your Child is Afraid of Monsters? “What if My 3 year old tells me he saw a ghost or monster? How should I respond? Should I ask him more about what he saw? Or should I divert his attention?” When your child is afraid of monsters, sometimes, you are not sure what the best response would be. You might wonder whether asking the child more would make him/her recollect what he saw and feel scared. On the other hand, will it help him talk it out and feel better? Well, as therapists, we would vouch for letting him express himself. The reasons for this are many:- Security: When your child is afraid of monsters, he feels better when he tells you about it. He knows that mom and dad know about this, and that they will protect him if needed. An entry point to resolving his fears: In order to help him with his fears, you have to first get to know them. When you listen to your child, you are likely to understand more about what is bothering him, and are in a better position to help him. Suppression is a silent pain you would rather avoid: Sometimes, you could momentarily distract the child, but he/she remains haunted by the memory of the monster in moments where he is alone. To add to that, he also knows that he cannot talk to you about it, because you do not approve of his being afraid of mere imagination; or, he knows that you will encourage him to pay attention elsewhere. He might try to do this himself. If he succeeds, he will probably cope in that way. However, if he fails, he is likely to move around with an unspoken fear that raises its head every now and then, and that is a painful feeling to have. It only makes him feel more afraid because he has to deal with this scary phenomenon all alone. You know you will not tease your child about it:– Your child’s friends are his age. They might pull his leg about being afraid of monsters. Sensitive children feel worse if this happens to them. On the other hand, if he speaks with you first about it, he gets a mature, caring response from an adult. This helps him feel reassured. Your reality is different than that of your child’s: Your idea of a monster is that of an imaginary thing, hardly scary, maybe even laughable. But your child does not see monsters or ghosts in the same faraway manner. For him/her, they are scary. Your child is probably worried about the possibility of them being real, and about how powerful they are.  Because they are genuinely scared, they wish to talk it out. However, what if my child is repeatedly expressing a fear of monsters? Should I not try and divert his attention? If your child is very afraid of monsters, or speaks about it often, try and gently work on the fear. Speak to him about how even if monsters are powerful, they cannot necessarily out do humans. Talk to them about how ghosts are made to look scary on TV, because otherwise nobody would go watch them! Talk about your own fears as a child, and how you managed. This is likely to slowly lessen his/her fears. In sum, listening to your child and keeping in mind that their fears are very real for them will help you, irrespective of how you explain to your child that monsters and ghosts are not real, and will not hurt him/her. We hope this piece has helped some of you with questions you might have had. Feel free to tell us what you think, and what more you would like us to write about. Post Contributed By: Malini Krishnan

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THE GIFT OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

THE GIFT OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

Why not just visit a psychotherapist when you have no problems? When you go to a psychotherapist when there is no problem, you have the space to explore and reflect on your life. The intention would be solely for optimizing your life. It’s like talking to a dietician about how to modify your diet when you don’t have cholesterol or diabetes.

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emotional eating

EMOTIONAL EATING: DO YOU EAT TO FEEL BETTER?

If you’re new to the term “emotional eating,” reflect on these questions below: Do you eat to feel better (to comfort yourself when feeling upset, angry or anxious)?Do you use food as reward or an incentive?Do you feel like food is a friend?Do you unwittingly turn to food when you’re bored or simply need to while away time?Do you share a love-hate relationship with food? What is Emotional Eating? “When feeling unloved, facing rejection/ even processing the pain of rejection, or feeling abandoned, you want to make the pain go away. In an attempt to defend yourself from such pain and insecurity, you seek comfort and security through different means – food, being one of them.” – Kunjal Thus, emotional eating is turning to food for comfort, for relief from a distressing emotion, as a reward or an incentive or out of any emotional state rather than to satisfy hunger. How is Emotional Eating Different from Eating out of Hunger? • Emotional eating may involve craving for specific kinds of ‘comfort’ food – while hunger does not. Hardly will you crave for vegetables or ‘healthy’ foods when it is out of an emotional cause. In fact, there’s a tendency to crave for foods high on sugar content or fats is more, when it is for an emotional need. • Emotional hunger can come on suddenly – in response to a trigger, a situation or an emotion, as opposed to physical hunger, which tends to build gradually. • You may be less aware of how much you’re eating when there’s emotional hunger. You may suddenly realize that the entire packet of chips is empty or you’ve finished the whole bar of chocolate without really experiencing it. • Emotional eating makes you feel guilty and ashamed after having eaten, as opposed to eating for physical hunger – which makes you feel content and calm. How are Eating and Emotions Related? Food as a means of exercising control:  “When emotions are experienced as overwhelming i.e. when there is a belief that ‘I cannot tolerate this emotion’, there is a need to do something about the feeling. One starts feeling helpless and feels the urge to do something to alleviate the experience of the emotion.” – Namrata It is in such a state of helplessness, feeling out of control, that emotional eating comes in as a ‘relief’ – a) more directly as a result of consuming food containing sugar or fats, which are physiologically are capable of having a calming, soothing effect and b) because the act of eating distracts us from experiencing the disturbing emotion and gives us the feeling that we are ‘doing’ something and so are not totally helpless. Food as a means of seeking nurturance: Food is unconsciously associated with nurturance since we are born – of being fed, being looked after and a feeling of safety. Thus, one may find themselves binging on food, when they are looking for comfort. “It’s not an uncommon scene to watch mothers forcing their little ones to eat and the mothers themselves feeling guilty if their child hasn’t eaten well.” – Megha. Food as coping mechanism for survivors of abuse: Some of the survivors of sexual abuse eat a lot so as to gain weight as a means of protecting themselves from unwanted attention or sexual advances. On the other extreme, they may starve themselves of food over the feeling that they don’t deserve anything good. “Individuals who have experienced neglect, abuse or deprivation in their childhoods may have a tendency to hoard food, as food is associated with nurturance, which they may experience a lack of.” – Ashwini Treating oneself harshly: The lack of self-worth “Back in the days, most of us woudl feel happy about a meal and not bother talking about it. Now after every meal, we tend to analyse every bit of it. Can you imagine how exhausting it is? To constantly feel guilty, sad and get worked up after everything we eat!” – Nandita This tussle sometimes, is really between yourself and your Inner Critic – the part of you that constantly tells you to keep doing better, pointing out your flaws – at times keeping you motivated but often, making you feel like you are not good enough! The Inner Critic sometimes believes strongly in either or all of the following, each of which, realistically speaking, may be extremely idealistic: • I must look and be perfect • I must not make any mistakes • Everyone must like me   “The Inner Critic ties our self-worth, the way we feel about ourselves, tightly to the realisation of these beliefs. It makes you believe that if these expectations aren’t met, you aren’t good enough. Thus, the Inner Critic has us on a leash, constantly asking us to strive for most ideal standards.” – Sindhura Thus, when self-worth becomes dependent on such unrealistic expectations, the tendency to be self-critical can show itself in making us feel extremely conscious about our eating habits and giving rise to guilt. Understand And Practice Mindfulness Through Our ‘Free Mindfulness Videos’ Click here Aiming for perfection: The role of guilt “We live in the generation of constantly being preoccupied with our dietary needs and fitness goals. We are all very self-conscious.” – Michelle Usually, the problem does not lie in aiming for healthy weight and then making efforts to maintain it. The issue really is the intense need to go beyond and attain perfection, the definition of which itself, can be very subjective and often dictated by society. “Anyway once the ‘ideal’ weight is attained, we find it difficult to accept even a slight change in the measurements and if there is an increase the automatic thought would be- “I guess I ate too many sweets yesterday” rather than thinking about other contributing factors like stress or hormonal changes.” – Gitali Instead of eating healthy or exercising most of us spend time feeling really guilty about eating and not exercising. Overwhelming guilt could lead you to stay away from certain foods for a long period and then suddenly make

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