Inner Space

body image issues

Couples facing intimacy and sexual difficulties

Breaking the Silence on Sexual Difficulties

Sexual difficulties are about as common as eating or sleeping disorders. Research shows that sexual dysfunction affects about 43% of women and about 31% of men in the United States. Statistics for insomnia and eating disorders in the United States are not far behind. 30% of adults report at least short term issues with insomnia. Up to 30 million people suffer from an eating disorder. However, if you try searching for statistics of sexual difficulties in India, you will not see many search results. A search for statistics of eating disorders, however, will yield plenty of results! There is not much data on sexual difficulties in India. This shows that these difficulties are not spoken about enough. Instead, they are probably brushed under the carpet. Sexual Difficulties Are More Common Than You think If you experience sexual difficulty, chances are that you have felt isolated. You have probably felt that only you go through it, while people around you are having no issues. As a therapist, I can assure you that this isn’t true. If I were to think of the top 5 reasons why people approach therapists, issues pertaining to sexuality and intimacy would definitely feature as one. Issues such as difficulty getting intimate, intimacy not being pleasurable, couples not having had intercourse for years together, difficulty feeling aroused, sexual incompatibility etc. are fairly common. If you experience any of these, you are certainly not alone. Why, Are Then, Sexual Difficulties Not Spoken About? Sex and sexuality are typically seen as basic instincts that should “naturally” be in place. Moreover, the world around us seems to support this notion. Be it television series, movies, videos or books, sex is almost always portrayed as easy and natural. Even the stories we hear from those around us are about the awesome experiences they have had. There seems to be no space, no opportunity, for sexual difficulties to be discussed. Hence, having sexual difficulties can cause a lot of shame and self doubt. People who experience such difficulties can feel deeply unattractive, less masculine or feminine, less deserving of love and attention. They can harbor acute fears about being in romantic relationships, though they yearn for one. Sexual difficulties can make one feel that something fundamental is wrong with them. They then look for ways and means to fix the problem, trying one thing after another. However, one important factor about sexuality is often missed out, that is, sex is as psychological as it is physical. Sex Is As Psychological As It Is Physical Sex is about intimacy. It is about what happens to you when you reveal yourself, as you are, to another. It’s quite a handful, since it involves being vulnerable, open, powerful, free and more together. Sex begins with an instinct, but is influenced by a whole bunch of factors when it has to express itself. In therapy work with clients, we look deeper into what is preventing intimacy and we often discover that the reasons are more psychological than physical. Some of the myriad factors that can cause sexual difficulties are: Chronic childhood experiences that shape personality a certain way Chronic anxiety, brooding, constant stress and worry Self image issues – a low self image can have a direct impact on sexual expression. Body image issues – since sex and intimacy are bodily expressions, body image issues can also directly influence one’s confidence and freedom with sexuality. Openness about Intimacy in the family – We grow up watching how our parents treat intimacy for themselves, in their own lives. Sometimes we are also expressly taught how to view things like intimacy. Both things can impact how we relate to our own sexuality. Other factors are suppressed anger, difficulty expressing power or love, fear of losing people or relationships, insecurity, etc. The list is hard to cover. However this is indication enough that sexuality is psychological rather than simply physical. Having Trouble Talking About Your Sexual Difficulties? Counseling can be a great tool for you to open up about and overcome your sexual difficulties and lead a happy, stress-free life with your partner. We are here for you. Book an Appointment Reducing The Shame Around Sexual Difficulties It is important that we create an environment that feels safe enough for sexual difficulties to be discussed. Let each one of us play our part in reducing the air of secrecy and shame around it by understanding it with more perspective. Let’s be careful before we playfully belittle someone who has sexual difficulties;  trying to understand them better before we arrive at conclusions. If you have sexual difficulties, it is important to know that you are really not alone. Perhaps these issues mean that some part of you needs healing and expression. It is also important to remember that help is available. There are relationship and sex therapists who dedicatedly work with the psychological factors that underlie sexual difficulties. Rather than struggling with the shame and feeling alone, it is often far more beneficial to reach out to a professional. For sexuality is an expression of the self, the seed is an instinct, the manifestation is like a tree, affected by the sun, winds and soil.   Browse our Relationship Counseling Services: Online Marriage Counseling Session Online Premarital Counseling Services Online individual counseling services About the Author This article was written by Malini Krishnan, Counselor at Inner Space. This post was consulted & approved by professional therapists practicing online therapy and counseling.  Ask a Therapist If you are interested to know more about sexual difficulties and other mental health topics, ‘Ask A Therapist’ is a platform for you to ask your questions related to Mental Health, Mindfulness & Emotional Well-Being to our team of qualified Therapists. Ask a Therapist Related Blogs Embracing Sex In Relationships Why Marriages And Relationships Work Inspite Of Problems Online Counseling For Couples: How It Works And Why It Can Be Effective

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emotional eating

EMOTIONAL EATING: DO YOU EAT TO FEEL BETTER?

If you’re new to the term “emotional eating,” reflect on these questions below: Do you eat to feel better (to comfort yourself when feeling upset, angry or anxious)?Do you use food as reward or an incentive?Do you feel like food is a friend?Do you unwittingly turn to food when you’re bored or simply need to while away time?Do you share a love-hate relationship with food? What is Emotional Eating? “When feeling unloved, facing rejection/ even processing the pain of rejection, or feeling abandoned, you want to make the pain go away. In an attempt to defend yourself from such pain and insecurity, you seek comfort and security through different means – food, being one of them.” – Kunjal Thus, emotional eating is turning to food for comfort, for relief from a distressing emotion, as a reward or an incentive or out of any emotional state rather than to satisfy hunger. How is Emotional Eating Different from Eating out of Hunger? • Emotional eating may involve craving for specific kinds of ‘comfort’ food – while hunger does not. Hardly will you crave for vegetables or ‘healthy’ foods when it is out of an emotional cause. In fact, there’s a tendency to crave for foods high on sugar content or fats is more, when it is for an emotional need. • Emotional hunger can come on suddenly – in response to a trigger, a situation or an emotion, as opposed to physical hunger, which tends to build gradually. • You may be less aware of how much you’re eating when there’s emotional hunger. You may suddenly realize that the entire packet of chips is empty or you’ve finished the whole bar of chocolate without really experiencing it. • Emotional eating makes you feel guilty and ashamed after having eaten, as opposed to eating for physical hunger – which makes you feel content and calm. How are Eating and Emotions Related? Food as a means of exercising control:  “When emotions are experienced as overwhelming i.e. when there is a belief that ‘I cannot tolerate this emotion’, there is a need to do something about the feeling. One starts feeling helpless and feels the urge to do something to alleviate the experience of the emotion.” – Namrata It is in such a state of helplessness, feeling out of control, that emotional eating comes in as a ‘relief’ – a) more directly as a result of consuming food containing sugar or fats, which are physiologically are capable of having a calming, soothing effect and b) because the act of eating distracts us from experiencing the disturbing emotion and gives us the feeling that we are ‘doing’ something and so are not totally helpless. Food as a means of seeking nurturance: Food is unconsciously associated with nurturance since we are born – of being fed, being looked after and a feeling of safety. Thus, one may find themselves binging on food, when they are looking for comfort. “It’s not an uncommon scene to watch mothers forcing their little ones to eat and the mothers themselves feeling guilty if their child hasn’t eaten well.” – Megha. Food as coping mechanism for survivors of abuse: Some of the survivors of sexual abuse eat a lot so as to gain weight as a means of protecting themselves from unwanted attention or sexual advances. On the other extreme, they may starve themselves of food over the feeling that they don’t deserve anything good. “Individuals who have experienced neglect, abuse or deprivation in their childhoods may have a tendency to hoard food, as food is associated with nurturance, which they may experience a lack of.” – Ashwini Treating oneself harshly: The lack of self-worth “Back in the days, most of us woudl feel happy about a meal and not bother talking about it. Now after every meal, we tend to analyse every bit of it. Can you imagine how exhausting it is? To constantly feel guilty, sad and get worked up after everything we eat!” – Nandita This tussle sometimes, is really between yourself and your Inner Critic – the part of you that constantly tells you to keep doing better, pointing out your flaws – at times keeping you motivated but often, making you feel like you are not good enough! The Inner Critic sometimes believes strongly in either or all of the following, each of which, realistically speaking, may be extremely idealistic: • I must look and be perfect • I must not make any mistakes • Everyone must like me   “The Inner Critic ties our self-worth, the way we feel about ourselves, tightly to the realisation of these beliefs. It makes you believe that if these expectations aren’t met, you aren’t good enough. Thus, the Inner Critic has us on a leash, constantly asking us to strive for most ideal standards.” – Sindhura Thus, when self-worth becomes dependent on such unrealistic expectations, the tendency to be self-critical can show itself in making us feel extremely conscious about our eating habits and giving rise to guilt. Understand And Practice Mindfulness Through Our ‘Free Mindfulness Videos’ Click here Aiming for perfection: The role of guilt “We live in the generation of constantly being preoccupied with our dietary needs and fitness goals. We are all very self-conscious.” – Michelle Usually, the problem does not lie in aiming for healthy weight and then making efforts to maintain it. The issue really is the intense need to go beyond and attain perfection, the definition of which itself, can be very subjective and often dictated by society. “Anyway once the ‘ideal’ weight is attained, we find it difficult to accept even a slight change in the measurements and if there is an increase the automatic thought would be- “I guess I ate too many sweets yesterday” rather than thinking about other contributing factors like stress or hormonal changes.” – Gitali Instead of eating healthy or exercising most of us spend time feeling really guilty about eating and not exercising. Overwhelming guilt could lead you to stay away from certain foods for a long period and then suddenly make

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Mind Body1

EMOTIONAL HEALING: GETTING IN TOUCH WITH EMOTIONS IN THE BODY

I feel so worried

I’m extremely sad today

I’m very very angry

A feeling is equal to some thoughts and a state of mind – is that it though? When you speak of sadness, anger, fear, despair what do you think these emotions really include? A lot of us mistakenly believe that emotions are just about some thoughts and the way one feels.

This understanding is hugely incomplete

Emotions have a big, big manifestation in the body too. In fact, the body is the seat of emotions.

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Positive Body Image

BODY IMAGE ISSUES IN ADOLESCENCE: HOW CAN YOU DEVELOP A POSITIVE BODY IMAGE?

Body Image is what you think and feel about your physical self or your body. As you enter adolescence, “body image” takes center stage and you will have days when you start to feel awkward and uncomfortable in your body. This article introduces you to a healthier and more positive way of looking at yourself and your body.

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The Art of Listening