Relationships

Trauma can create a lens through which you view the world as an unsafe, unpredictable, and unwelcoming place. This distorted view can extend to your relationships, making it challenging to find the safety and connection that others seem to find easily.  Therefore, trauma can affect your  relationships by creating a barrier between you and the opportunity of co-creating a healthy, peaceful, loving, intimate relationship. If you find yourself stuck in this cycle, learning about the effects of trauma in relationships is key towards breaking free and nurturing wholesome, fulfilling, intimate relationships. Signs Of Trauma In Relationships Take a critical look at your relationships, and ask yourself what might be standing between you and the fulfilling connection you seek. It could be difficulties managing emotions, struggles with self-esteem, challenges in creating and sustaining connections, or trouble expressing thoughts and feelings during conflicts with your partner. Here are some ways trauma impacts your relationships: Trauma Can Cause Trust Issues In Relationships: If you are someone who has experienced the pain of betrayal from a previous relationship, you may find it challenging to trust your current partner. You may feel doubtful of their actions, and look out for signs of betrayal, and constantly worry about how they may betray you. Every healthy relationship is built on trust. Therefore, past trauma can often result in trust issues in your relationships.  Trauma Can Make You Avoid Emotional Intimacy With Your Partner: If you withhold affection and feel uncomfortable in intimate relationships, it could be a way to protect yourself from the discomfort that emotional intimacy brings. This could show up as ghosting someone you are dating, avoiding deep, emotional conversations, and expressing your true feelings for your partner. Distance takes away the safety and comfort that intimacy brings to a relationship, making it challenging for you to feel fulfilled and content in your relationships. Trauma Can Cause Separation Anxiety In Your Relationships: Experiencing some level of emotional or physical abandonment in childhood, or from a previous relationship, can build a deep-rooted fear of it happening again. This can look like constantly worrying that a partner may leave, and constantly asking for reassurance from your partner. You may feel like your partner is too good for you, and that they will find someone better. You may feel empty, anxious, and hopeless without your partner’s presence. This can make it challenging for you to be yourself in relationships, causing a lot stress and possible conflicts in them.  Trauma Can Make It Challenging To Manage Your Emotions: Trauma can make you feel like you are stuck in a rollercoaster of emotions. This can look like having intense mood swings, lashing out at your partner, shutting down or feeling emotionally numb, zoned out during conflicts. These extreme highs and lows can impact the stability and results in a strained relationship. Trauma Can Affect Your Attachment Styles: If you have been in an unhealthy family dynamic during childhood, you may notice a pattern developing in your present relationships. This can look like having a pattern of ending relationships abruptly, or being too close or clingy with your partners, or choosing emotionally unavailable partners. Sometimes, these tendencies may go unnoticed, and you may feel you are simply unlucky in love. But, if you notice them, you may find the answer, and a way to heal your past trauma, work on your attachment styles, and break this cycle of unhealthy relationships.  Trauma Can Take A Toll On Your Self-Worth And Self-Esteem: Having a low self-esteem from past trauma could cause you to turn to your partner to seek their constant validation and approval. You may feel like only their opinion matters, forgetting the importance of having your own. You may place your partner on a pedestal, and this can create an imbalance in the power dynamic in your relationship. Also, a low level of self esteem can also make you push away your partner as you believe, deep down, that you don’t deserve them.  Trauma Can Make Communicating With Your Partner Difficult: Do you struggle to express what you truly want in your relationships? Do you go ahead with whatever your partner wants, without really looking into what you want? These could be signs of communication challenges in relationships. Struggling with how you express your emotional needs and wants in a relationship could stem from having experienced verbal or emotional trauma or abuse during childhood. A lack of healthy communication can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in your relationships. Trauma Can Make It Challenging To Think Of A Long-Term Relationship: Your past trauma can make you believe that you are undeserving of happiness and love. Relationships can feel unsafe, making it seem like all the pain of the past will resurface. Therefore, past trauma can make it challenging for you be in long-term relationships, and look into the future.  Contact Us Counseling is a process that can help you learn more about yourself and your relationships. Our Counselors are trained to help you with a wide range of concerns. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with us, please click the link below. Book an Appointment Healing From Trauma In Relationships Through Therapy Trauma doesn’t make you a bad person-regardless of what your actions, thoughts, or even your partner may tell you. When trauma happens, your mind and body quickly get to finding ways to protect you by whatever means possible. But why? Your mind and body does this to protect you from the trauma happening again. Thus, all of the behaviours you label as “bad” are, in fact, ways your body deemed okay as a response to what happened in the past. So, your tendency to shut down during arguments can be seen as a protective mechanism to save you from feeling attacked, hurt, or abandoned as you felt in the past.  But, these protective mechanisms can become counterproductive over time. These approaches to protect yourself can hold you back from experiencing true intimacy, which comes from being open, curious, and vulnerable with

So, you have tried having “the conversation” with your partner about going for couples counseling. You went in with hope, and a tinge of excitement thinking of the possibility of having an unbiased opinion on how to fix and work on your relationship problems. However, unfortunately, your suggestion was met with resistance.  “What is the need for couples counselling?,”  “We are doing fine?,”  “I am uncomfortable discussing our personal matters with a stranger.” You might have heard these sentences from your partner when you suggested relationship counseling to them. These responses are common, and normal, considering the fact that therapy can sound like a daunting, and new experience that can make one feel vulnerable and exposed. How You May Feel When Dealing With Your Partner’s Resistance To Couples Therapy Let us first address how you are feeling after having these conversations with your partner. This form of resistance can be disappointing, It can make you feel that they aren’t willing to work on their relationship. You may feel rejected, disconnected, and burdened, as you feel that saving the relationship is now solely your responsibility.  Notice what other feelings come up for you after having these conversations. It is highly likely these conversations have created some distance between you and your partner.  In this article, we look at what to do if you partner is resistant to couples counselling by looking at some of the reasons why there may be resistance to relationship therapy, and highlighting some of the ways you can have more fruitful conversations with your partner on how to work on your relationship issues.  Contact Us Counseling is a process that can help you learn more about yourself and your relationships. Our Counselors are trained to help you with a wide range of concerns. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with us, please click the link below. Book an Appointment Understanding Your Partner’s Resistance To Couples Therapy While having a conversation with your partner about couples therapy, you may have observed a sense of defensiveness, worry, or fear within them. This could be an indication of their resistance to couples counselling.  Therefore, it is necessary to understand this resistance, and its origin, to be able to get through to your partner.  For this, initiate a conversation that is open and non-judgmental. This means that you don’t do any of the following: You: Don’t put the blame on one partner for the relationship problems Don’t issue ultimatums such as, “I will leave you if you arent willing to go for couples counselling.” Don’t engage in labelling your partner as “irresponsible,” or “lazy,” when they show their disinterest towards counselling. While doing the above may seem like a natural response to your partner’s refusal, it creates further resentment, avoidance, and ultimately more resistance towards therapy. Sometimes, they may go along with the process as they feel pressured to make a decision. However, they are less likely to stick to counselling if they feel ‘forced’ to do it.  Think about this: How would you feel if you felt pressured to do something, that you did not want to, even if it is good for you?  How to Initiate A Conversation With A Partner That Doesnt Want to Go For Couples Therapy So, how do you initiate a fruitful conversation with your partner who is resistant?  Here are some pointers that may help you out: Keep an open mind to their responses: When you listen closely with your guard down, you may notice that they may have some negative beliefs, experiences, and feelings towards therapy.  Validate their feelings and beliefs:  When they express fear towards feeling vulnerable, try telling them, “I understand why therapy can make you feel afraid/vulnerable/exposed/judged.” This helps you hold space for them. They feel seen and heard and they are more likely to be open to sharing their thoughts. Try to dispel some of their beliefs and myths surrounding therapy: Knowledge is the way to remove your fear of the unknown. For instance, your partner may be worried that a counsellor may leak or share private information that is shared during sessions. You can try validating their fears about this happening, but you can tell your partner about the confidential nature of therapy. Or you can suggest that you both read up about therapy together. Adopt a collaborative approach: Use a “we” approach in your conversations. Instead of sharing why your partner needs to change, highlight how you and your partner will benefit from working on the relationship. Clearly Express Why You Feel The Need For Therapy: This is important to help your partner understand why you feel the need for couples counseling. Without blaming your partner, express what are the difficulties you hope will get addressed in couples counseling. Convince them for one session: If you partner is unsure about the therapeutic process, try to convince them to attend just one session, where all doubts can be cleared with the therapist. This can alleviate the fear, ambivalence, and false beliefs surrounding therapy. Express how your partner’s collaboration in coming for this one session will help you.  What Are Some Alternatives To Couples Counselling? If you partner is still resistant towards therapy, you can try offering them a few alternatives such as books on relationships, trying new activities together to build connection and trust, reading articles, and learning healthier ways to communicate. To make this process easier for you, we have compiled a list of articles that can help you below: (put list of articles) What If My Partner Continues to Refuse Couples Therapy? Can I Take Therapy Alone? It can feel disappointing and painful if you partner continues to refuse to go for therapy, despite trying these steps. You may begin to feel worried about the future of your relationship. However, their lack of acceptance is not always a negative sign.  This is because their opinion may be subject to change with more time, conversations, and other factors. Therefore, if your requests are met