OverIndulgent Parenting: Are You Giving Your Child Too Much?
“We give him everything but he does not listen to us.” “She makes so much noise, that I have to give her whatever she wants.” “He doesn’t eat and my whole day is spent making sure that my child eats all his meals.” “I know my child is making a mistake but I don’t know how to say no.” “I am afraid that if I correct him, he will get angry and that will spoil our relationship.” Does this sound familiar? A lot of parents today feel like this. You feel that you are giving your child whatever he wants, trying to fulfill his every need but there still seem to be behavioural difficulties- stubbornness, tantrums, etc- cropping up. So, what’s going on here? As psychologists, we come across many parents (whether in therapy or in our environment) who seem to be going through the same thing. Like any other parent, you want to provide the best for your child. Even though your intentions are good, in doing so, you end up “over-indulging” or “mollycoddling” your child. There are various styles of parenting, such as authoritative, nurturing, neglectful, overcritical, and supportive. In today’s generation, with increasing social pressure, a busy lifestyle and a higher standard of living, the “Over-Indulgent” style of parenting has come into focus. Overindulgent parenting also known as “over-permissive” or “over-nurturing” parenting, is when you tend to provide your child with whatever she wants or wishes and guidelines for discipline are lenient, or at times, absent. This intention does come out of love for your child but it is coupled with a belief that “My child should not lack or fall short of anything he or she wants.” In their book, “How much is too much?” (Jan 2014) , researchers Dawson, Clarke and Bredehoft explain that overindulgent parenting has 3 characteristics: Giving too much: Too much of anything— whether it is toys or playtime or activities. Over-nurturing: When parents do tasks that children should be doing for themselves. For e.g. their own household chores, packing their bag for school, etc. Soft structure: When parents provide little discipline for the child’s behaviour and have difficulty assigning responsibilities to the child. Or, rules are not enforced when required. Like letting children decide their bedtime, not participate in helping at home or even giving in to temper tantrums It starts out as tending to the child’s wishes and then becomes a pattern of overindulging and over-nurturing. The first few years for a child are years of personality and are the important formative years. These are years where the child learns about himself/herself and about the rest of the world and how he or she needs to engage with the world. This learning is very subtle and subconscious. Since parents are closest to the child they impact the space in the child’s life to a great extent. In this regard then, overindulgent parenting does more harm than good, and is unlikely to aid healthy emotional growth of the child. As parents none of us wants to “spoil” our child. We do not want to be overindulgent and more lenient than necessary. Why still do so many parents end up being overindulgent then? “Trying to live up to their own standards of parenting, parents get lost in the buzzwords of ‘perfect parents’ and ‘perfect children’. Overindulgence is as much a prey to that as is any other style of parenting”- says Anusha 1. Guilt and Overcompensation: “With fast-paced busy lives and hectic schedules most parents don’t have enough time to spend with children. As parents, you end up feeling guilty about this. You feel the need to overcompensate then by providing your child with whatever they ask. This helps alleviate the guilt making you feel like you are doing your best.”- Nandita Parents also feel pressurized from friends, colleagues, other parents- interacting with them can bring out ideas that have not been implemented in one’s house. This can also lead to a feeling of guilt of “not doing enough”. So without understanding if you actually want to do these things, you give in. 2. Unmet needs of the Parents: When parents look to their own life, they might feel regret for things they have missed or did not get when they were children. Some perhaps even feel regret that their life could have been better if not for certain unmet needs. Hence, parents may want to fulfill all wishes and desires of their children so that they may not face such regrets. Mindful parenting is the practice of using self-awareness to know when it is time to self-intervene: to slow down, think, and decide the course of action that will keep your child close to you. Get Your Copy 3. Parental anxiety and a high need to control: Parents in general feel like they are constantly catching up with demands of the environment. You worry even more about their children being able to catch up in the coming years. Providing children with all the comfort and focusing on them too much may be a way of dealing with this anxiety. “It’s forgotten then that the child is a separate entity and has his own separate journey, desires, etc. It is common then for such a parent to feel that the child is an extension of self- here’s where love translates into controlling. This can lead to an anxious and controlling life, knowingly or unknowingly, stifling a child’s individual expression” – Kunjal 4. An inability to see the difference between short-term happiness and emotional well-being: “Most of the time, you end up being overindulgent to ensure that your child does not break into tears or feel dissatisfied that they are not getting what they want. However, what you miss noticing is that this happiness is very different from a true, established feeling of contentment or security.”- Malini Similarly, most parents also worry that their children will feel sad or neglected if you don’t satisfy all their wants. However, you forget that this
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