Dealing with Guilt

Some people feel excessively guilty and remorseful when their partner has an affair. They hold themselves responsible for the partner’s stepping out and fixate on “their mistakes” in the marriage.

Remember that an excess of guilt only pulls you down further and reduces your capacity to think through clearly.

“Don’t slip into a pattern of blaming yourself and thinking ‘I have caused this’. Even if there were some shortcomings on your part, remember that you did what was in your control, and that sometimes, people with the best of intentions make mistakes, and that’s because nobody is perfect.” – Malini

Instead of going down a spiral of guilt, try and assess realistically how you can handle things differently in the future.

Guarding against getting stuck in the ‘Victim Role’

While excessive guilt is unhealthy, the reverse – complete blame, is equally unhealthy, because the victim-culprit trap causes more dysfunction rather than realization and growth. Rather, see the situation as a problem in the relationship that needs to be looked into. This way, both spouses can learn from past patterns and grow.

“If you internalize that you are a victim and that your partner is the culprit, it does a lot of damage to your self-esteem and to the situation. A good way to deal with this is to recognize that something about the relationship has become sour or unfulfilling. More often than not, both partners are part of the reason for this sourness. However, no partner has probably harmed the relationship intentionally.” – Sadia

While it is very difficult at such times to deal with all the overwhelming emotions, it is helpful to have the above knowledge at the back of your mind. You recognize what patterns you are slipping into a little better, and the more aware you are, the less are the chances that these patterns can harm you.

Working towards Resolution and Making a Choice

At some point, you will want to move towards resolution, towards understanding what didn’t work out in your relationship and where you wish to go from here. Again, in this section, we have tried to put together whatever will aid this introspection and decision-making process.

Think of the Relationship outside of the Affair

In the aftermath of the affair, it is possible that you begin viewing your marriage through the lens of the affair. It’s almost like the affair is a filter that colors your perception of everything about the marriage. When this happens, you lose objectivity, since your relationship is not the same as the affair.

“Try and look within your relationship outside of the affair. This will give you a less biased picture of what could have affected your relationship and what things need to change. It will become a stepping stone for both, you and your partner, to introspect and initiate change.” – Nandita

Addressing Deeper Questions about the Relationship

As time passes, you may find yourself faced with questions about the relationship, and possibly about yourself. A need and desire for clarity comes up. When this happens, things can get worse with rumination, blaming, depression and aggression. Or, things can get better since you seek to understand what really was not working in the relationship. This is the phase when couples counselling and marital therapy can help tremendously.

“There is usually deeper questioning after the initial hurt and anger have been somewhat processed. It is very important that both partners reach a place where they are able to understand and make sense of what happened to their relationship and their individual journeys in life; because such clarity can help them gauge where they are heading, whether it is working towards their relationship, parting ways or simply working towards self development. This is possible through couples counselling.” – Kunjal

Making a Decision

The stigma and judgements associated with infidelity can make it difficult to make a decision about the marriage. Adding to that, reactions of family, anxiety about children and the overall unsettlement and disruption can make it even more confusing. Take some time to connect to what you really want, so that you feel surer within.

“Decisions are going to be hard nonetheless, but if they are decisions that you personally have made peace with, the impact would be a lot easier to deal with.” – Anusha

If you decide to stay in the marriage, it is important for you and your spouse to have worked through the baggage of the affair and move forward. Marriages do survive affairs, and yours can too, if you want so. Only remember, there were certain unhealthy patterns in your relationship that made it go sour. These patterns need to be understood, worked through and changed, so that your re-investment in the marriage is fulfilling and happy. As Anusha aptly puts it – “You can’t go back to the marriage, you’ll have to go anew.”

If you decide to leave the marriage, remember, it is still important that you don’t carry the feelings of guilt, victimization, inadequacy or low self-esteem with you, because this will color the way you connect to people in the future. You will remain emotionally caught in whatever is unresolved within you. Working through these aspects will help you truly and freely move on.

It would also help to ‘unhook’ from relationships as the main source of happiness. Though partners can be loving and nurturing, they are still imperfect, since they are people. Finding your own space of happiness by connecting more with yourself can help you maintain a healthy self esteem and be more accepting of both, yourself and others. It helps to maintain a balance because you don’t lose sight of other joyous aspects of life when your relationship is going through a difficult phase.

Self Care

Last but far from least, being compassionate to yourself throughout these phases is very important. Eat well, care for your body and for yourself. Spend some time doing something you really like, whether it is spending time with close ones, by yourself, with children, or pursuing a hobby.

“This is a time when mistrust, helplessness and bitterness are residing in your system. Hence it becomes equally important to care for yourself and compensate. This helps to make the journey easier.” – Sadia

Image Credit: Ben Cremi