Why is it Important to Understand Feelings ? Many of us often wonder how to make our relationships more harmonious. We probably even zero-in on communication in a relationship as one key aspect to be worked upon. However, we are often unclear as to what in communication we need to improve. Sadia Saeed, in a lucid write-up on …
Most parents seek guidance on how they can change the negative behavior of their children and encourage more positive behavior. We have held two workshops at Inner Space focusing on behavior modification addressing these concerns. Behavior modification is the process applied to enable the child and parents to methodically bring about the required changes. It involves setting up rules of actions and consequent positive or negative repercussions. Positive behavior gets rewards while negative behavior gets no rewards.
This is also what we often do in life naturally. However, more often than not we do it inconsistently.
Why don’t you ever listen?
You just don’t understand me!
Why are you always late?
You must study or you won’t score well
You are of no help at all!
You are so insensitive, you just don’t care, you don’t love me!
Are these statements you have faced at one time or the other? How did it make you feel? How did you respond to it? Did it make you want to listen and cooperate? Or did it feel like an accusation?
The Inner Space team announces a parent group session on communication with children. In any relationship, we understand what the opposite person thinks and feels about us only through what they communicate to us, verbally and non-verbally. This is perhaps why ‘telling it right’ is very important in a parent-child relationship too.
As parents, we are naturally concerned about our children. We want them to have a bright future and be self sufficient. Anything that we see as taking the child away from this prospect worries us. We worry, fret and spend considerable time and energy correcting the child. “Don’t do this, it’s bad for you.” “Why don’t you listen to me?”, “I’m saying this for your good and nobody else’s!!” are some statements you would probably connect with. At times, we happen to spend ALL our time with the child in correcting him/her. We consider it our duty to mould them right. Hence, many of us would be constantly on the lookout for the negative behavior, be it disinterest in studies, lack of social interaction, excessive viewing of television, argumentativeness or aggression. Every repetition of that behavior frustrates us and we chide and scold our children or maybe even beat them. However, a good number of times, our child continues to engage in the negative behavior. Therefore, is the current approach you are using effective? What is going wrong here?
Forgiveness is often seen and dismissed as a virtue of the saintly. Most people cling dearly to their anger, pain and sense of injustice. The choice of not forgiving might temporarily give you a sense of power – power to condemn, power to judge and hold the other person guilty, power of righteously being holier than thou. However, going one level deeper, one sees just how hollow and fictitious this power is. You are actually giving away your power, allowing the opposite person to push your buttons at will, to make you writhe in agony or cry in pain at a whim.
Given the fast paced life we all lead, it is a tad too difficult to supervise our children the way our parents probably did. They need to be more independent and therefore need to be aware of all the do’s and don’ts of daily life, especially those pertaining to safety. While this is of paramount importance, it is equally important to provide a balanced perspective of safety to our children.
What I mean to say is we need to guard against communicating to the child that ‘the world is an unsafe place’ and that ‘people are all out to take advantage of you.’ If the child adopts any such belief, it may lead to emotional turmoil which could manifest in anxiety and apprehension, separation anxiety and clinginess or a refusal to be alone. Let us understand better how this happens:
This is a guest post by Monisha Mukundan.
Walking towards the stream one day, I passed two little boys intent on their toy. It completely absorbed the attention of both the boy manipulating the device as well as his companion. It was the metal lid of a tin, perhaps a tin of powdered milk or ghee, with rounded edges, and a length of wire. The wire was bent at one end, to hook around the lid. The boy was driving the lid along the cement path with the wire. The path was not smooth and it took skill and concentration to keep the lid turning. The boy’s companion was as intent on the game as he was, perhaps he was waiting for his turn and mentally practising as he watched.
Coping and dealing with a child who has a developmental difficulty requires patience, understanding and firm inner resilience, which is why it is referred to as being relatively difficult. It takes us time to understand the nature of our child’s barriers to growth and then help them. But, what about a situation where we probably do not understand fully that our child is facing genuine barriers to growth?? What about when we attribute their problem behavior to their personalities and miss out on recognizing a mild form of a developmental disturbance?? This blog muses about these possibilities.
A happy marriage or relationship is where both partners understand each other, love each other unconditionally, communicate effectively and love doing little nothings for each other- so we are told. Those marriages or couples that are not like this are not quite there!
However, we see in our own lives and in lives of those close to us, a number of relationships do not have these qualities. And yet, they last! Some for decades! Ever wondered how is it that without these so assumed ‘basic’ needs, relationships still last?
We specialize in combining psychotherapy with deep wellness practices like mindfulness and meditation and creating a customized mental health plan for individuals and organisations.
We specialize in combining psychotherapy with deep wellness practices like mindfulness and meditation and creating a customized mental health plan for individuals and organisations.
A young woman from another country moved with her family to live for one year in a town near the monastery. When, in the course of the year she discovered the monastery, she would periodically visit to have discussions with the Abbess. The Abbess introduced her to meditation, which became very meaningful for the young woman.
When the family’s year-long stay was drawing to an end, the young woman asked the Abbess, “In my country there is no Buddhism and no one has even heard about meditation. How can I continue to learn and deepen the practice you have started me on?”
The Abbess said, “When you return home ask far and wide for who, among the wise people, is recognized as having the greatest ability to listen. Ask that person to instruct you in the art of listening. What you learn about listening from such a person will teach you how to further your meditation practice.
― Gil Fronsdal, A Monastery Within: Tales from the Buddhist Path
