RECOGNIZING YOUR TRIGGERS : A TECHNIQUE TO CONTROL ANGER
St Margaret's Steps © Neosnaps
If you are easily upset, angry or worried, chances are that you often try to control your emotions but they just burst forth, drenching and even drowning you in their strong gush. We all have those moments when we feel like we just cannot deal with our feelings and life seems just too much to cope with. Everything from the demanding boss to the rebellious child to the overcrowded trains gets to you, rubbing you in all the wrong ways and you find yourself losing your cool.
How would you rather like to be? We would all like to be stronger and know better how control our anger. I’m sure that’s what you try to do every time too. However, more often than not, controlling anger is something that is easier said than done. How easy is it to keep calm and be rational when you feel like breaking things and screaming out or when you’re in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Managing Anger by Recognizing your ‘Triggers’ : A Step by Step Technique
The first requirement in order to control anger better is knowing yourself better. You can then apply this knowledge and understanding to make life easier.
A very important and often overlooked aspect of learning to manage anger is understanding what it is that makes this management difficult in the first place. What is it that is agitating you so much? We all have triggers, those sore/touchy spots which always manage to rile us, so we need to learn to work our way through them. Imagine yourself covered with a whole lot of buttons. Whenever anyone pushes one of these it triggers a strong emotional reaction and you end up reacting badly, losing control. Dealing with this sensitivity would be a 3 step process:
- Identify your triggers : What makes you Angry?
Doing the following exercise on paper would greatly help. Think back to the last few times you had an angry outburst and note:
- What caused it?
- What happened before it? What were the events leading upto it?
- What else happened that day?
- Who were the people involved in the conflict?
- How were u feeling?
Even if u cannot remember about the previous episodes, start making this list for the next few weeks. Patterns will emerge, providing you insight and access to your buttons.
- Avoid your triggers
So now that you have identified what it is that irritates you so much, work your way around it. If the traffic gets on your nerves, leave early. You can use the extra time to finish pending work or catch up on your reading. If being late makes you anxious and irritable, learn to be punctual and avoid procrastinating. You will be able to keep your cool much more if you are relaxed. If it is your partner’s tendency to nag which is upsetting you, talk to him/her about it. Try to solve the issue. If your wife or parent is repeatedly asking you to get a task done, just finish it in the first time so you don’t have to listen to it again and again, you know you’re going to have to do it eventually.
- Address Deeper Emotional Problems
If your anger seems to be stemming from deeper emotional issues, it needs to be addressed properly. If you see yourself getting angry when people don’t listen to you or don’t do as you want, check if you’re feeling disrespected or powerless. If you detest being told what to do, check for issues with authority. Do you find yourself thinking like ‘they always do this’, ‘he just doesn’t care’ or ‘why should I care when she doesn’t’? Most likely, you are storing past emotional hurt which gets relived on these occasions. It’s best to tackle such issues head on so they don’t have the power to affect you so much. While you can try to figure it out with a friend, guidance from elders in the family or even a counselor would help you greatly.
Your triggers may have contributed to your difficulties controlling anger. However, recognizing and dealing with them, patiently and with perseverance, can build your inner emotional strength, helping you handle anger healthily.
COMMUNICATING WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY: TIPS FOR TEENAGERS
teenager © by slightly everything
If you find yourself getting angry and irritated easily and are ready to ‘give it back’ most of the time, you are also probably quite bottled up inside. Few people seem to understand you and most brand you as an ‘angry teen’. You may have tried ‘controlling your anger’ and ‘being less angry’ but may not have succeeded to your satisfaction (and those of others). Often, what we do to manage aggression is try “not to get angry” even when we are actually angered. Think about it. It’s like mom is repeatedly saying something to you, you’re fuming within but try to “be calm” and mask your anger. No wonder then that you end up snapping or yelling at her despite not wanting to. What we actually doing here is ‘controlling’ or attempting to suppress our anger. It’s like trying to shut an overstuffed suitcase. Suppression is never healthy, it only breeds sadness, frustration and makes us feel that the people around us are unfair.
I have here a few alternatives that you could probably try out to help in communicating when you are angry. I have described how we can modify angry thoughts in an earlier article. Here, we will look at how we can communicate better when in an argument. Remember though that any approach needs to begin with commitment. It would be a little tough to do these things to begin with; however, if you manage to understand them and try them out a couple of times, it’ll seem easier to implement. So, if I have your commitment towards giving this a genuine try and persisting with it, let’s get to know what these are. Some of these may be things you’ve heard of or read before. That’s because they are essential to problem solving in relationships and creating a happier atmosphere to live in. So come, let’s get to know these better…
At the outset, remember that anger is but one emotion we feel. It is but one form of expression, thought and speech. Several others exist. Herein lies our strength. This is what we need to capitalize on. We all possess an entire repertoire or ‘collection’ of communication skills. We have multiple ways of conversing and responding to people. Doing it angrily is but one way. The trick is to try and replace angry and rude responses with relatively calmer and allowing ones, while still expressing ourselves. The idea is definitely not to suppress, but to express in other ways.
THE FIRST RULE OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION : LISTEN INSTEAD OF INTERRUPTING:-
There is a natural instinct in each of us to put our point across. Moreover, in a situation where you don’t agree with the opposite person, such a tendency is likely to exist all the more. However, this tendency is also likely to get the better of us, in that soon two people (or more) are talking at the same time ….and none is heard, none is understood. This is often the situation in most conflicts. The first step we need to take is altering this pattern. How do you feel when you’re saying something and the opposite person seems to be more interested in his view than yours? You feel invalidated and very angry. Ditto for everybody else. Even if mom or dad are complaining about you or giving negative feedback, just hear them out. That will lessen the number of times they say the same thing, which sure is a relief to both you and them. I am definitely not saying be a doormat and simply keep listening. Once you have heard them out, you can ask them certain questions to know why they think what they think. According to me, this is the most important step in resolving conflict.
The reason we argue and fight is because we have different views about something. While you may think for example, that using the cell phone helps in keeping in touch, your parents may view it as a waste of time and a health hazard. Now, if you imagine a typical scene of argument here, your parents may repeatedly mention how you are wasting time while you vehemently defend yourself and say for example, “anyway I am rarely allowed to go out and now I am not being allowed to use the phone either!” If you notice here, the whole point is lost. Neither have you understood why your parents don’t want you to use the phone, nor have they understood your need to use it. All in all, it is a communication gap. Not essentially one in emotions or values. So why not correct it at that level? Read on.
RULE NO. 2: EXPLORE MORE THAN YOU DEFEND
A lot of our energy in a conflict is typically used in defending. ‘You think it’s wrong, I think it’s right!!’ ‘Leave me alone! It’s my life!’ and other such statements are what we may say to the opposite person while in an argument. Again, while this could be tough to do initially, try and place more focus on what the opposite person thinks. You can only solve a fight if you know why it’s been caused, isn’t it? Ask the opposite person meaningful questions that explore their thoughts. For example, instead of recounting all those instances where you didn’t use the phone despite wanting to, ask your parents, ‘what makes you so uncomfortable with phone usage?’ That’ll probably open up some healthy discussion. Remember here, your tone while asking such questions matters…a lot. Imagine somebody asking “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME TALKING ON THE PHONE????” angrily versus a gentler, more explorative, ‘Pa, I want to know what makes you upset when I talk on the phone. Could you tell me more about it?’ Which one would you feel like responding healthily to? Learning to adopt a firm but gentle tone always helps. The more you find out about their thoughts, the more it’ll help you see their perspective and the less angry you will be about their complaints.
RULE NO. 3 : CONVEY MORE, ACCUSE LESS
Once you have truly understood the opposite person’s perspective, put your views across. Be careful here to avoid blaming the opposite person, for example saying things like “You only want to impose, never want to let me be free!” “You just don’t understand me!!” It’s true that we all feel this way sometimes. However, what is more important is that the opposite person understands why we behave the way we do and what our needs are. You parents are upset with your behavior and not you. So explain to them why you like talking on the phone or going out or playing games. You can let your guard down and tell them frankly and honestly because it is very important that they understand you. Again here, tone matters. Be firm, but be gentle. It’ll help them hear you out. In case they interrupt you, you could gently request them to listen to you completely.
Remember, conflicts stem more out of a clash of perspectives rather than out of indifference and lack of concern. Therefore, if we try and understand people’s thoughts behind their preferences, it would provide us more clarity of the situation and automatically reduce frustration and anger.
About the Author: Malini Krishnan is a psychologist at Inner Space-A center for counselling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. We’d love to hear what you feel and think about this article. You can tell us in the comment section or follow Inner Space on Facebook and twitter and share with us there.
UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Holding Hands © chinogypsie
Why is it Important to Understand Feelings
Many of us often wonder how to make our relationships more harmonious. We probably even zero-in on communication in a relationship as one key aspect to be worked upon. However, we are often unclear as to what in communication we need to improve. Sadia Raval, in a lucid write-up on the ‘women’s web’ site, explains what is perhaps one of the most important pre-requisites of a healthy relationship – ‘understanding the other’s feelings”‘. We build relationships as we like to feel connected to others. We seek security and affection out of our relationships. Most importantly, we seek in relationships to be understood. Often, a relationship we are unhappy in is one where we don’t feel understood.
Taking a cue from this, we also need to communicate to the opposite person that we understand them. We need to acknowledge that his/her problems, feelings, fears and expectations are important, even if they conflict with ours. This could be difficult to do at first. However, if done, it can ease significantly the friction in a relationship.
This process of feeling understood and understanding feelings -of feeling validated and validating is an extremely important part of communication in any relationship. To know how we can both give and ask for validation please read the article “What Does it Mean to Validate Feelings” by Sadia Raval.
About the Author: Sadia Raval is the Founder and Chief Clinical Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. You can follow her on Google+ and twitter for regular updates of her work and share with her what you feel about this post.
MANAGING ANGER: GUIDANCE FOR ADOLESCENTS
Fight © Philippe Put
Some of us in our teens are ‘cool under pressure’, ‘cool as a cucumber’ or ‘chilled out’. Some of us are hot-tempered, short-tempered or easily angered. If you are one of those who identify with the second set of descriptors, life could get a tad bit difficult. Losing one’s cool is never a pleasant feeling. You may get persistently described as short-tempered, stubborn and argumentative. Moreover, over a period of time, others almost stop bothering to find out why you are angry and what has hurt you. Its almost like, ‘this chap/girl is forever angry so forget it.’ At such a time it may start to feel like people are just mocking you or they just don’t care….and wait, its not over yet.
The most detrimental effect of anger is on the self. Think about this for a minute. How do you feel when you are angry? Do you feel like you are in control of the situation? Like you know what is happening? Like things are working out fine? No, you sure don’t. In fact, it’s pretty much the reverse. You may feel like life is just NOT good, God alone knows WHY this is happening. The apt word I think, is ‘out of control’. Anger can lead you to feel like your life and your feelings aren’t in your hands anymore. It’s like bus conductors, traffic on the roads, teachers, friends, parents….just about anybody can get you to be really angry and irritated. This is surely not a pleasant feeling. I’d like to pop a question here – is it worth it? All the emotional distress you undergo multiple times a day….is it really worth it? Think hard. What happens to your efficiency, concentration and happiness quotient when you’re angry? Surely it doesn’t help any of these. At the same time, managing anger is a difficult. Anger is a difficult feeling to deal with and overcome. I know this because as a psychologist, I do psychotherapy with adolescents who feel very angry. So come, let’s figure out how we can manage anger.
Why do we have difficulty controlling anger?
Anger is linked to ‘frustration tolerance’, or, simply, one’s ability to tolerate frustration. Most people who have difficulty controlling anger are also easily frustrated, even by minor irritants. What I mean is, if there’s something you want to do (a goal), and if anything interferes with it (a barrier); you’ve lost your cool. If you want to laze around after school (your goal) and your mom wants you to help in cleaning up (a barrier), you’re frustrated. ‘Why does mom have to do this?? I’m tired and I want to rest!!’…end result, you’re angry and ready to argue with mom.
Another example, you’re out playing. You see your friend slyly cheating. You ask him what he’s up to. He denies having cheated. You think ‘how dare he deny it?? Cheat!! I must teach him a lesson’. End result….you’re charged up, ready to grab his collar.
You may think, ‘isn’t this a natural way of reacting? What am I to change?’ The answer is this – it is the intensity of the anger we need to change, or control. And this will happen when we can tolerate these minor frustrations better. Life is full of such little irritants. The more we think these frustrations shouldn’t exist, the more and more we are angered and genuinely irritated. If, on the other hand, we accept that minor hassles are a part of life and importantly, that they do not majorly disrupt our lives, our temper would automatically cool off, we would be able to manage anger much better. For example, helping mom with kitchen work would only mean you laze around or play that video game 15 minutes later. It doesn’t mean you won’t get to rest. When we react with anger, it’s because we think, ‘damn, now I can’t rest”…isn’t this inaccurate? If you substitute this thought with, ‘Hmmm…ok, I’ll probably have to be with mom for a while, but not too bad, I’ll rest after 10 minutes’ you wouldn’t be angry. You’d be able to bear this little obstacle much better and manage your emotions too.
In the second example; well, yes, all of us prefer that people played fair…However, we cannot make others play fair. Even if we grab the other guy’s collar or hit him, he may or may not confess. Moreover, it’ll become a messy affair. Either you’ll end up in a brawl or he’ll go complain to his parents and then to yours. Ultimately, you’ll be pulled up even though he cheated. Is all the anger worth the while? A better approach would be, ‘hmmm…don’t think this guy’s going to give in…but that’s his problem. Even if today my team loses because of this, I can’t help him out of his ways if he doesn’t want to be helped.’
In such situations, you could also allow yourself to verbally know that you are angry. Tell yourself, ‘I’m obviously going to feel angry if he does that’. That gives you a vent to your emotions. Later it is easier for you to see that you cannot change another person’s behaviour even if it directly affects you.
Friends, remember that anger is not an easy emotion to experience. Your body and mind are all charged up when you are angry, and repetitive anger leads to a lot of internal wear and tear. Invest your anger carefully. Assess if the situation really deserves all the emotional investment before you react. Like I often tell those in therapy, keep the ‘remote control’ of your feelings in your hands, don’t give it all that easily to friends who cheat, crowd in the bus, or teachers or parents who irk us a bit.
About the Author: Malini Krishnan is a psychologist at Inner Space-A center for counselling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. We’d love to hear what you feel and think about this article. You can tell us in the comment section or follow Inner Space on Facebook and twitter and share with us there.
A SHORT STORY ON HAPPINESS
Happiness © by baejaar
Here is a special story that shows us how we identify with happiness…
Its a short sufi middle eastern story taken from here
The Sack
Mula came upon a frowning man walking along the road to town.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
The man held up a tattered bag and moaned, “All that I own in this wide world barely fills this miserable, wretched sack.”
“Too bad,” said Mula, and with that, he snatched the bag from the man’s hands and ran down the road with it.
Having lost everything, the man burst into tears and, more miserable than before, continued walking.
Meanwhile, Mula quickly ran around the bend and placed the man’s sack in the middle of the road where he would have to come upon it.
When the man saw his bag sitting in the road before him, he laughed with joy, and shouted, “My sack! I thought I’d lost you!”
Watching through the bushes, Mula chuckled. “Well, that’s one way to make someone happy!”
How to be Happy
Most people coming to me for therapy obviously come with some immediate concern at hand. However innately they appear to be holding the same question in their hearts as all of you who read this perhaps also do. ” How to be Happy?”. Some part of any counselling process often gets dedicated to helping people identify the happiness that is already there in their lives, in the present, and to experience it for what it is worth.
As the story shows, Happiness is not a distant bird somewhere in some bush. It is often perching right upon our own shoulder. Often we fail to recognize it unless it flies away or as in the above case case, gets taken away.
I wish all of you who read this a pleasant discovery of this already existing happiness, atleast for today…
About the Author: Sadia Raval is the Founder and Chief Clinical Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. You can follow her on Google+ and twitter for regular updates of her work and share with her what you feel about this post.
JUST FOR TODAY
Image credit : Gratitude © by SweetOnVeg
Become the person that you want to be…one day at a time.
We all have an image of our ideal self, the kind of human being we would like to be, of the kind of life we would like to live. But more often than not, reality has a different plan for us. No matter how much we want to be the tranquil, equanimous, all-accepting, ever-blissful Buddha, somehow we end up being the angry, frustrated and anxious poor Joe instead.
It all looks so huge, so overwhelming and we often end up just drifting from one crisis to another, from one challenge to another, juggling between all possible disaster management techniques that we know…waiting for the moment, for the opportunity when we can take that deep breath and feel that relief, when we really can be unruffled, calm and peaceful.
As we may have figured out by now, such A time may never come. Waiting for the ‘right time’ when everything will be okay or at least better, somewhere becomes our excuse to continue in our current patterns of thought and behavior. Everyone can be calm and friendly in fair weather. The test of your mettle is being so when the going gets tough. And yes, it seems easier said than done but maybe it doesn’t need to be all that difficult either.
Understanding the thought behind taking one step at a time, one can now try living one day at a time. I know we can’t be calm ALL the time, we can’t not worry ALL the time, we can’t be thankful ALL the time.. well, don’t. Try being one of these, just for today.
Just for today, try gratitude. Gratitude for the smallest of blessings – be it running water, bright sunlight, a caring spouse or a laughing child. The problems are there, but just for today, try focusing your energy on being thankful instead, we can worry over the problems later. Just for today, be confident in whatever you do. Just for today, be kind to whoever you meet, even yourself. Just for today… be the person you wish to be.
This thought is beautifully encapsulated in the 5 principles of Reiki, which follow thus:
Just for today, I will not be angry
Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will be grateful
Just for today, I will do my work honestly
Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing
As we do this, we give our mind and body practice in living these ideals…it’s on-the-job training. You learn how to be calmer, by being calm one day at a time. You learn self-love by loving yourself one day at a time. You learn to live, by living one day at a time..
A life is lived one day, one moment at a time. Just for this moment, just for this day, I choose to be the best version of ME.
Who do you choose to be today?
THE PERSON BEHIND THE PARENT: GROUP SESSION FOR PARENTS
The Inner Space Team announces a group session, ‘The Person behind the Parent’, on the 25th of March, 2012. We held one such session on the 20th of November, 2011 and felt the need to reach out to you once again with what we believe are important perspectives for every parent to consider. As a parent you have dropped your children off to classes, therapy sessions, have attended Parent-Teacher meetings, open houses, been called to school to hear complaints or praises, fretted, fumed, stressed and of course loved it to some extent.
Time to love yourself, we say!
Parenting, in today’s time is not easy and we at Inner Space understand that completely. Parents invest a lot of physical and emotional energy in their children. This is necessary and fulfilling at some level. However, in due course of time, they often miss out on focusing on themselves as individuals. In other words, the ‘person’ behind the ‘parent’ slowly takes a backseat in the whole storm of trying to be a good parent or even simply trying to manage several roles. Parents become either unaware or avoidant of their own needs, wishes and emotions or too stressed and tired to do much about them.
All this, undoubtedly, for the sake of happy, flourishing children! But will tired, stressed parents be able to encourage happiness in their children? We do not think so! Hence, we decided to hold a session on parenting that focuses on the parent and not on the child. We want to look keenly at working towards the parent’s happiness as an individual before striving for more effective parenting. In this session let’s talk about ‘you’ for a change!
Please enroll quickly as we have a small space and number of people we can accommodate runs out fast.
This session will be held on the 25th of March, Sunday, from 10:30 am to 12:30 pm in the Inner Space premises.
The charges of the same will be Rs 750
For Registration contact: Mahima Gupta (+91 9769494335) or Malini Krishnan (+91 9820270835)
For further details or queries contact: Sadia Raval (+91 9833985538)
PAUSE….AT TIMES THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO DO
Have u ever felt the need for this pause, this space?
Pause is a way of nature, it’s part of the natural flow of life. After every breath you take in and let out – you pause, after every word you say you pause. In fact everything that seems like a seamless continuation is actually filled with numerous small pauses, coming together harmoniously to make us feel that everything is in continuity. The reel of a film has individual shots, each shot separate from the other. Our very cells have spaces – pauses – between them. Have u ever felt the need for this pause, this space?
Why Pause?
Becoming consciously aware of this pause and putting it into regular practice can have multiple benefits.
- It would provide the much needed break to your tired mind and body from the continuous onslaught of thoughts and emotions which we knowingly or unknowingly subject ourselves to.
- Allow you to catch your breath and your natural healing energies to rejuvenate you. Our body has all the coping strength it needs. We just have to give our body and immunity the space to do its work without constantly burdening it with negative and unhealthy patterns.
- Help you take stock of where you’ve been – take notice what snack you just ate, of what words you just spoke and how you used your last few moments
- Learning your lessons at every step, growing and developing more consciously through this study of your experiences
- Gauge where you’re going – considering how you are thinking and behaving, what is your likely near and far future? Is your current work style likely to help you reach your goals? Is your current diet likely to help you achieve your target weight?
- Decide whether your actions are in line with your goals and filter them accordingly – if things aren’t working for you, modify them, see what else you can do – implement the learning from your lessons
Help curb impulsive ill-thought out words and actions which we often regret later – will help us respond rather than react
The following article explains How to Pause beautifully, facilitating joy and peace – covering the pause required in our thoughts, behavior, emotions and diet.
http://serenereflection.wordpress.com/2010/12/25/the-pause-diet-for-joy-and-peace/
Image Credit: Gurney5
“THE PERSON BEHIND THE PARENT” : GROUP SESSION FOR PARENTS
The Inner Space Team announces a group session, ‘The Person behind the Parent’, on the 11th of March, 2012. We held one such session on the 20th of November, 2011 and felt the need to reach out to you once again with what we believe are important perspectives for every parent to consider. As a parent you have dropped your children off to classes, therapy sessions, have attended Parent-Teacher meetings, open houses, been called to school to hear complaints or praises, fretted, fumed, stressed and of course loved it to some extent.
Time to love yourself, we say!
Parenting, in today’s time is not easy and we at Inner Space understand that completely. Parents invest a lot of physical and emotional energy in their children. This is necessary and fulfilling at some level. However, in due course of time, they often miss out on focusing on themselves as individuals. In other words, the ‘person’ behind the ‘parent’ slowly takes a backseat in the whole storm of trying to be a good parent or even simply trying to manage several roles. Parents become either unaware or avoidant of their own needs, wishes and emotions or too stressed and tired to do much about them.
All this, undoubtedly, for the sake of happy, flourishing children! But will tired, stressed parents be able to encourage happiness in their children? We do not think so! Hence, we decided to hold a session on parenting that focuses on the parent and not on the child. We want to look keenly at working towards the parent’s happiness as an individual before striving for more effective parenting. In this session let’s talk about ‘you’ for a change!
Please enroll quickly as we have a small space and number of people we can accommodate runs out fast.
This session will be held on the 11th of March, Sunday, from 10:30 am to 12:30 pm in the Inner Space premises.
The charges of the same will be Rs 750
For Registration contact: Mahima Gupta (+91 9769494335) or Malini Krishnan (+91 9820270835)
For further details or queries contact: Sadia Raval (+91 9833985538)
CONSISTENCY IN PARENTING : AN ASPECT OF BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
We often withdraw pre-decided punishments if our child cries. This indicates inconsistent parenting
Most parents seek guidance on how they can change the negative behavior of their children and encourage more positive behavior. We have held two workshops at Inner Space focusing on behavior modification addressing these concerns. Behavior modification is the process applied to enable the child and parents to methodically bring about the required changes. It involves setting up rules of actions and consequent positive or negative repercussions. Positive behavior gets rewards while negative behavior gets no rewards.
This is also what we often do in life naturally. However, more often than not we do it inconsistently. How many times have we promised something to our child to get him off our back and then refused or simply forgotten to do it? ‘You’re busy and your child comes pestering you about the new toy all his friends have. He goes on and on and on about all its exciting features and all that he plans to do with it. You just have to get that report done or perhaps your vegetables are burning on the stove and that is just not the time you can pay any attention to your child. So you tell him that you’ll get it for him and he finally lets you be. It’s such a relief that you can get back to your work and have managed to quieten the persistent nagging demands. The next day he insists that you take him to the mall and get him the toy you promised. And only then do you realize that you don’t have time for it, the toy is just too expensive or simply unnecessary. You refuse to make the purchase.’ – does this story seem familiar? Do you also find yourself failing to honor the commitments you carelessly or perhaps unwittingly made to your child? And is it okay to do so simply because he/she is just a child?
A similar story happens with punishments. You threaten the child ‘if you don’t complete your homework, no TV for you tonight”, “No more chocolates for you”. Then the child cries or makes a cute face and you give in, either with a warning to not repeat the behavior next time or to just make him stop throwing a tantrum.
This makes the child lose trust in our word. Our promises and our threats seem empty as there is just no surety that we will actually do what we say we will. This makes us unreliable and makes it difficult for the child to take us seriously. How can he?
If you don’t do what you say, how is your child expected to do what you say?
The most important factor in ensuring the success of behavior modification and a general thumb rule in dealing with children is “CONSISTENCY”. First and foremost we need to learn to listen to ourselves and only then can we teach the children to listen to us.
Consistency is following through on your word – be it a reward or punishment, every single time, without exceptions or excuses. It provides structure and security to the child as he knows for sure what is or is not going to happen. It also helps him to understand the cause-effect relationships in life, which then teaches responsibility and accountability. It builds trust and reliability. As the child understands that rules will be applied firmly and he can’t get his way around it, it will minimize arguments and tantrums and allow for more discipline. As the child sees the rewards coming with equal consistency and surety, it will also enhance cooperation.
Consistency of behavior is one of the most important virtues we can develop in ourselves and promote in our children. So next time you say something, listen to yourself 
About the Author: Mahima Gupta is a psychologist at Inner Space-A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. You can follow Inner Space on Facebook and twitter and share with us what you feel and think about this article.
Image Credit: Creative Donkey
