FINDING YOUR STRENGTHS – HOW TO START?
Everyone wants to know what their strengths are – what they are good at, what situations they can pull-off well and what about them helps them cope better with life.
‘Strengths’ of any person are unique. Even if two people have the same strength, for example, good communication skills, the way each person’s communication skills show up in life would be very very different.
Sometimes, it is this unique nature of strengths that makes it difficult for you to truly identify what your strengths are. You probably think – ‘God, he’s so effective with customers’, or, ‘She’s so good with conversation!’ when you notice others.
Then you think, ‘I wouldn’t have thought of this in this situation’
The next thought is, ‘I don’t have good enough communication skills. I can’t handle this well’
Hmm…so communication gets stricken off your list.
Maybe this happens in other areas too.
‘He has a better dressing sense than me’
‘She keeps more fit than me’
‘She’s so much better at managing time’
For some of you, so many areas get stricken off that there is hardly anything you are able to feel good about. Gradually, sub-consciously perhaps, you begin to believe, ‘probably there is nothing so special about me’
This belief is excruciating, since, it lowers your self-belief and hope from yourself.
However, it is just not possible that there is truly nothing special about you. You have spent a number of years in the world, have lived a variety of experiences and have dealt with many different situations.
Surely, something about you has made you survive all these years.
You surely have done some things right!
And here lie your strengths!
Saving Some Focus for ‘What You do Right’
Life teaches us to be aware of our mistakes.
As children, parents have corrected you when you erred. In school, you were made to stand out of class when you forgot your book
Then you grew up and at every stage, you were reminded again and again to be aware of what you did wrong, or where you fell short.
You were also reminded that if you are not cognizant of your mistakes, you would miss out on something – a seat in a college, a good first job, a promotion, an attractive partner, a comfortable life….and so it goes on.
And this was done with reason –
To have a good life, you must know what not to do again
But then, to have a good life, you must also know what to do again, and yet again!!
To be aware of what you did right is also as important as to be aware of what you didn’t!
A Small Exercise to Get you Started with Finding your Strengths:
Think of one thing in the last two-three days that went right.
Maybe one difficult customer calmed down on talking to you
Maybe you were able to focus a little better on work despite the usual distractions
Maybe you woke up on time after long
Wait! Don’t think, ‘this happens once in a way, why give it any value?’
It deserves some thought because, life is not only about ‘chance’
Think, was anything different in the way you spoke with this customer? Your tone? Maybe you were calm yourself, which calmed him down.
Maybe you went to bed slightly more peacefully than usual and so had a sound sleep.
This gives you some clues about what you possibly can repeat in a similar situation right? Maybe you could try using the same tone, or create similar peace while going to bed.
It may not necessarily work the second time..maybe it’ll work the fifth time, then the eighth time. However, once you begin saving some focus for little things that you did right, without discounting them as ‘too little’ or ‘inconsequential’, you’d gradually begin discovering what you did right – the beginning point of discovering your unique skills….your strengths.
Do share your experiences with discovering your strengths through your comments. Also, if you know of anybody who would benefit from reading this blog post, do share it with them.
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About the Author: Malini Krishnan is part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about her here.
You can follow Inner Space on Google+, Facebook and twitter for regular updates of their articles and share with them what you feel about this post.
IS IT OKAY TO SAY NO IN THE FACE OF A TEMPER TANTRUM?
This is a question I am often asked by parents in therapy.
‘How to react if the child throws a temper tantrum?’
If you are a parent, you probably have been through this dilemma and resolved it. Or maybe you are going through it at present.
Some children find it easier to adjust when things don’t go their way. They may occasionally cry or fuss a little, but they’re largely open to adjusting.
Some children find it extremely difficult to make such an adjustment. They tend to get very upset when things don’t go their way. They may cry loudly, shout and insist that their demand be met with. The more you deny them what they want, the more they cry and the temper tantrum aggravates. Ultimately, you reach a place where you don’t know how to react.
In such a scenario, what is better? To fulfill the child’s demand or say no?
I’d say, depends.
If the child throws tantrums in only specific circumstances, for example, only while going to school, chances are higher that there is something specific about that situation that’s getting him upset that needs to be looked into.
If however, the child repeatedly throws tantrums in multiple and routine situations, and especially if the tantrums serve as a means to an end (If I throw a tantrum, mom will agree to let me eat out) it indicates that the child is ‘learning’ a behavior. He is learning that by throwing tantrums, he is likely to get what he wants. In such a scenario, it helps for the child’s long-term adjustment to say no to his demand.
Some of you probably find it difficult to say ‘no’ to your children, especially if your children are young. I completely understand this difficulty. In a more detailed article, I have spoken of this difficulty, what thoughts underlie it and how one can overcome it.
I have also attempted to answer some questions pertaining to disciplining children, such as, how does one decide what behavior needs to change, what is important to help the child modify his/her behavior etc
Read the article here
Share what you think about dealing with temper tantrums through your comments.
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About the Author: Malini Krishnan is part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about her here.
You can follow Inner Space on Google+, Facebook and twitter for regular updates of their articles and share with them what you feel about this post.
FINDING THE MIDDLE ROAD TO MENTAL HEALTH
“Maybe you could try to get something done by this week”,
“Maybe you’re trying too hard, you could do with a little bit of letting go”
“There may be a lot more options you haven’t explored”
“It would help if you would stop exploring more and more options and instead focus on one”
“Maybe you could reach out to your partner more”,
“Maybe you could detach a bit from your partner and work with yourself instead!”
Yes I’m quoting myself! What in the world am I trying to do contradicting myself all over???
You’ll soon know!
These contradictory statements are made by me while working therapeutically towards better mental health with different people. And they sound quite alright within the given context too.
The idea is:
People often suffer because they are on one extreme of an idea, feeling, thought, quality, attribute or trait.
Through statements such as these the attempt is to help people see that there is a “middle road”.
For instance the idea is to:
- Work hard enough but not too hard.
- Connect and reach out enough but not so much that you lose yourself.
- Be selfless but not so much that you get bitter about it
- Voice your opinion but not so much that others can’t be heard
- Adjust and adapt but not so much that you break down with the burden.
As you can see both extremes are detrimental to people. Leaning towards either extreme keeps one emotionally strained and unbalanced. But it isn’t easy to know your middle path. How much is too much? How far to go? When to stop?
The answers truly lie in how much you are in touch with yourself.
How then can you find your middle way to better mental health?
Finding Your Middle Path-A Short Exercise
To know what is your middle way, it is extremely important that your mind and body both settle down first. No matter what dispute, disagreement or uncertainty you are facing in your present life; to start with just allow yourself to rest in the present moment.
Remember even overthinking is one extreme, just as avoiding the situation is another. Try to do neither.
Once you feel somewhat settled, think slowly of the situation that is upsetting you the most in your life.
Be very careful not to get carried away in the flow of thoughts. It is important to keep returning to the present and to your intention of finding the middle way.
Watch yourself and your feelings with a lot of compassion. Notice the emotions come up in you. Tell yourself softly but aloud, “I feel sad/ hurt/helpless/angry or whatever it is that you feel”.
Then quietly watch the feeling grow in you-watch how it affects your mind and body. Check in your body, in your sensations, where you feel the helplessness or sadness or hurt.
If you feel like crying, cry. Allow yourself to stay with the feeling. It is important here to not go into causes and consequences and to not let thoughts overtake you.
This is a process of being one with the feeling and being accepting of that feeling in you.
Then slowly after sometime of being that way, ask yourself what your middle path could be in that situation. What could you do which is not extreme enough to harm either yourself or anyone else too much? Don’t justify, defend or attack, either yourself or anyone else in your mind. Just question yourself softly.
The answers will come… Because the answers are always within you, unique to you, just waiting for all the noise of “judgment” and “shoulds and oughts and musts” to die down so they can be heard.
I wish you good luck in finding your middle path…
Do write in about your experiences with finding the middle path via the comments section. Also, if you know somebody who would benefit by reading this article, do share it with them.
Image Credit: Sadia Raval
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About the Authors: Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. You can follow Inner Space on Facebook, Google+ and twitter for regular updates of their work and share with them what you feel about this post.
PAIN IN LIFE – WHY IT IS NOT SUCH A BAD THING
Going through pain in life is inevitable.
You know this. Oh yes, you often want to believe you can escape it by being “overly” careful. But deep inside… all of us know, we will go through pain!
An imperfect life scattered with pain, physical and emotional, makes you feel like life and people are unfair. When you are in pain, your mind says, “I deserve happiness, not yet another pain!” You work hard at your happiness, at work and at home. You try your best not to hurt others and to be steadfast and responsible.
Somehow, you still encounter pain and sorrow, sometimes right after a happy event.
You feel angry and dejected. You ask life, ‘why?’
“Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional”
The above is a meaningful Zen Aphorism.
As psychologists, we see pain and suffering from very close quarters. Why some people suffer a certain way and others in a yet different way, we do not know. Some answers of course are provided by philosophy, spiritual teachings and so on. But today’s topic is not dedicated to that.
Today we write about how your attitude towards your pain can change the meaning of it and actually decide how much you really suffer.
During our work with clients in therapy, we see people reacting to and resisting their pain, wanting it to just go away, feeling trapped and caught up in it. As a result they suffer deeply. Often this suffering becomes a focus of their life and renders them extremely unhappy.
However after a period of struggle, some people manage to create for themselves a healthy acceptance of their pain . These people come to some terms with its inevitability. They suffer less due to their pain.
What is even more rewarding is that this attitude often gets them in touch with their most beautiful side. Its brings out in them some of their best qualities such as:
- Compassion
- Forgiveness
- Acceptance
- Resilience
- Courage
Pain Can Open You Up
The point is, most of the above feelings can be most deeply experienced when in some way you have been pained and have suffered for it. Being able to sense these qualities in yourself can be a very soft and opening up experience.
You feel compassionate to someone’s suffering because you too have suffered; you feel resilient because you have suffered and have managed to overcome it; you feel courageous to face pain again because you know what it means to be in pain and so on…
Pain in life can sometimes open you up and teach you what nothing else can.
As Kahlil Gibran says
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding…
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain
Read the rest of the poem here. Its a beautiful poem!
Wish you all a fulfilling, enriching life
Do write in about your experiences with pain and how you have handled it via the comments section. It would benefit whoever reads it. Also, if you know somebody who would benefit by reading this article, do share it with them.
Image Credit: Sadia Raval
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About the Authors: Sadia Raval and Malini Krishnan are part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about them here. You can follow them on Facebook, Google+ and twitter for regular updates of their work and share with them what you feel about this post.
HEAVY WORKLOAD? HOW TO REST IN A BUSY DAY?
A heavy workload and numerous deadlines would easily be one of the most stressful things about work. Today’s work environment demands quite a bit out of you and your ability. If you enjoy working to your fullest and find meaning in the work you do, then things are working out well for you. However, if you feel like work is hitting you even before you know it, and are caught up and pressurized, be assured, there are many others in the same boat! Well, you may not be able to change the fact that you have a whole lot to do. However, you can, with gentle effort, try and make this just a little easier on yourself. We put up a post earlier that described 2 guidelines that would help you plan and anticipate your day better, to deal with a heavy workload.
In addition to working things out practically and planning your day well, you also need to work with yourself – or your mind. The difficult situation is but one component of the problem. Your response to it always remains the other half. So how can you go about changing your response? We’d say, by first knowing it. Knowing yourself, observing your thoughts just as they are, is the first step towards bringing about any positive change in your mindset. We go on to share some ways in which people react to their workload. Read on, and at whichever point you internally feel, ‘ahh….I do this too..’, pause and read a little more carefully. Look within and in your own space, just be aware and know, honestly, that this is the way you react. Often, that is enough to prompt change…
Working on your Acceptance of the Heavy Workload
When some of us complain about heavy workload, we tend to blame the market for being unpredictable, the company for being excessively profit oriented, our boss for being self-centered etc. All of us feel tired, or just do not like working after a certain extent. However, at work, you may see others flogging it out endlessly. This makes you worry that they will be noticed and given more perks. Maybe some comparisons would be made between your efforts and theirs. You do not wish to fall short of expectations. So, you forcibly pull up your socks and try to fight it out. At the same time, doing something you don’t completely wish to do is difficult. Gradually, you feel angry at just how much you need to put in.. then, you feel helpless at the hands of work. Apart from fretting about how external factors are pushing you beyond your limit, there seems to be nothing more you can do about it.
Well, it is natural to want to complain and crib when there is too much to do. However, you need to check….how much of it is truly healthy for you? And when do the scales begin tipping over?
Imagine 2 scenarios –
Scenario 1
You are neck deep in work. You are just about on schedule and hope to finish all that you set out to do for the day. Suddenly, a colleague comes running in, saying there is a change in your clients’ schedule because of which something crucial that was to be done tomorrow needs to be finished today, by hook or crook. Internally, you almost feel like your head is splitting. This was the last straw on the camel’s back. All your planning has gone for a toss. You thought of going home on time, resting and spending some quiet time with family. Now none of that’s going to happen. You probably need to stay back and you don’t know for how long. Not all of your colleagues are as earnest about this task, raising your burden. You lose control and crib to your colleague about just how unprofessional those clients are!! Before you know it, your head begins to ache. You probably need a coffee. You order for one, but are unable to even feel its taste, because your mind is abuzz with thoughts. You call another colleague up and vent your feelings to him…and so it continues. Eventually, once your day (and the task) is finally done with and you’re home, you can’t stop telling your spouse about how bad and overwhelming your day was. Later in the night, you decide to hang out with some friends. And there again, most of you have your own stories about how you had yet another cumbersome day at work and how unfair this whole thing is!
Scenario 2
You are neck deep in work. You are just about on schedule and hope to finish all that you set out to do for the day. Suddenly, a colleague comes running in, saying there is a change in your clients’ schedule because of which something crucial that was to be done tomorrow needs to be finished today, by hook or crook. You are disappointed. You thought you would go home on time, watch television and unwind. But now, seems like that will not happen. You would probably need to spend at least couple of hours more at work. You are somewhat fatigued and annoyed, but then, internally, you know this needs to be done. Reacting to it and complaining about it endlessly would only sap you off more energy than accepting that though painful, now, your agenda for the day would have to be reworked. Fretting about it and talking to colleagues won’t take the situation away.
So, you resume working, and take a few deep breaths. This helps you feel somewhat better. You take the situation in your stride and continue working. Maybe, later on, you tell your friend that such days are painful. Maybe you even share a sarcastic laugh or two about it.
Eventually, your day is done, so is the task. You go back home, have some warm home-cooked dinner and go meet your friends. Many of you have had a tiring day at work. You dwell a little on how agonizing it is, then move on to talk about other stuff. You return home, feeling good within and retire to bed.
Which scenario out of the two seemed more peaceful? Which one involved lesser negativity? Lastly, which one left you feeling better? Well, the latter, because it involved a lesser degree of the person ‘reacting’ to the situation.
At times, acceptance of a problem can leave us in a much better position to handle it. Having a whole lot to do is definitely painful. However, getting agitated, angry and distressed about it only takes away more from your already overworked body and mind. Also, cribbing about the workload and the system does nothing to take away the load. On the other hand, it makes the situation seem unbearable, and you immediately want to remove yourself from it. But then, you also know how important this job is to you. It does mean a whole lot to you. So, you end up wanting the job and despising it, all at the same time, every day – sounds really stressful isn’t it? Try changing your approach to “yes, pressured deadlines are difficult to face on a daily basis. But these are the demands of my job. So let me see what I can do in this space”. And what will this do for you? Over a period of time, it will change the way you think about the situation. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstances, you feel more in control. You feel calmer within and address the situation objectively. Gradually, you take ownership and decide to work with yourself and see what ‘you’ (and not the market or the boss) can do about the situation.
In a nutshell….
Substitute R for ‘React’ with R for ‘Rest’
In place of reacting to the situation, try and rest. What do we mean? Well, we do understand that you’d be having a lot of heavy days at work. When you sense that you’re physically or mentally tired, take a little time out, maybe even 2 minutes. Sit back and breathe. Even if you take 4 breaths mindfully, it would help you feel more settled. When you call for your coffee, take a moment to sense its aroma. Feel your back against the chair and take those 2 minutes to let go and rest.
‘But I don’t have enough time to work, How can I rest?!!’
Well, you do unknowingly spend a lot of time complaining about work, both at work and outside! If even a third of this time is spent in consciously resting and being compassionate with yourself and your body, it would help. You could try it right now, even if you are at work and reading this
Wish you a good day
Do share your thoughts with us through comments. Also, if you know anybody who would benefit from reading this article, please do share it with them.
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If you liked this blog and wish to receive such blogs written by our team in your mailbox, enter your email id in the box below:
About the Authors: Sadia Raval and Malini Krishnan are part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about them here. You can follow them on Facebook, Google+ and twitter for regular updates of their work and share with them what you feel about this post.
COPING WITH A CRAVING FOR FOOD THROUGH MINDFULNESS
The New Year has begun! Every new year brings along with it the vibe of a fresh start and of new beginnings. Perhaps, that’s how the whole idea of new year ‘resolutions’ came in. The philosophy behind resolutions seems to be to infuse us with freshness and zeal , to make one change that will see us being happier and healthier in the next year. Some of you may have made your resolutions and are probably trying to keep up with them. Many of us, throughout the year, attempt to form new habits or to break old ones. Both forming and breaking habits involve a whole lot of psychological connotations. For now, let’s pick one habit that many of us share a love-hate relationship with – a food habit. Just about any food habit. Be it a tendency to reach for the bars of chocolate as soon as you reach home or munching on fries and wafers for hours together. The importance of eating healthy and caring about food habits stares us in the face everyday, through newspapers, the internet and somewhere, even through our own bodies. What does it take to break an unhealthy food habit? To deal with a craving for food? ‘Self-control’ is what intuitively comes to mind.
How can this self-control be defined? How can it be achieved? As a first step towards understanding how we can break food habits, let’s first look at what happens to us while we are in the habit. Before trying to step out of the frame, let’s first take a gentle look at the picture, as it exists.
What really happens to us when we ‘Redo’ what we want to Stop?
Let’s imagine a scenario:-
You know internally that you wish to begin eating healthy. You wish to take care of yourself. Yet, everyday, immediately after you are back home after a long day’s work, you tend to overeat. You serve yourself more than you would’ve liked to…and also take a few extra helpings. Even at work, you seem to order fast food at least twice a day. Somewhere you know this is not what you wish to do, but its all muddled up. You want to break the habit, you want to eat healthy…but you also badly want the food because it makes you feel so good! But, there’s something more happening in there. Let’s get to know this better.
The next time you seem to break the rule and redo the ‘habit’, take a minute that very moment, tune into yourself and zoom in. How are you likely to be feeling? Chances are you’d feel restless within. Some sense of agitation exists within you, prompting you to get the pizza asap. At that point, your mind is in a state of unsettled urgency, or need. You want the food right away, more as a means of making yourself feel good. One very important thing here is, states of craving put our not only our emotions but also our brains in urgency mode. Our brain is physiologically tuned to ‘react’ as soon as it receives signals of urgency. When there is a sharp pang of need (and here, I do not mean actual physical hunger), the mind pushes the body into action, hence making you order the burger before you are able to think through. To sum it up, you haven’t had the space to ‘evaluate’ your need before reacting to it. Between impulse and response, there doesn’t exist a space where you can actually evaluate how you will respond to the impulse. Yet, the only thing that we always have in our hands (even if at times, we do not wish to acknowledge it) is choosing how we will respond.
What then do we need to do to create this Space?
Well, interestingly, when we try to break a habit, we often target the impulse, or the craving. ‘Why am I so hungry always?’, ‘I will try and just not look at the food!!’ are a few things we tell ourselves, and even say out loud sometimes. We fight the craving, hoping it succumbs to our will and dies out. However, many a time, the craving is far too powerful compared to our will. Or, let me put it like this..the more we try and suppress the craving, the larger it looms on our minds….and our will. You try and fight the craving, eventually you give in to it, and then you feel terribly upset with yourself for having failed yet again. With time, this becomes a cycle that repeats itself over and over. If we need to change our food habits, we need to intervene and change the cycle. The craving seems to be the starting point of it all. So, we naturally wish to extinguish the cycle at the stage of craving itself. However, what seems to be rather clear after a number of failed attempts at changing food habits is (I have my share too ), it seems rather apparent that fighting the craving is not working….definitely not from a long term perspective. An alternative and less pressurizing idea is not to change the craving, but to alter your response to that craving. A craving is a natural state of mind. It is beyond your control. Moreover, it is used to being there in your system. It won’t go, even if you push it. So, don’t fight the craving. You don’t necessarily need to do that. Let the craving be.
Instead of trying to fight the craving, just acknowledge and accept it. The next time you sense a pang of craving, or even before you actually sense the craving, try and create an ambience of acceptance. Tell yourself it is okay to feel a craving. The more you accept the craving or the impulse, the lesser you will have to fight against it. Now, you can look at it and work with it.
‘What can I do when I feel the Craving for Food? Let’s say I am able to Accept Cravings as a part of my Mind…’
Once you have accepted the craving, you will automatically feel some sense of calming down within your body. Then, for a few minutes, stay with the feeling. Maybe the pangs will hit harder. Try to simply observe what is happening to you, like you are a compassionate spectator to yourself. Sense your breath, your heartbeats and whatever else comes into awareness. (This sounds like a really long process, but in reality, doesn’t take more than a few moments). This way, you are mindful. You aren’t pushing the craving for food away, but are observing it and yourself. You have chosen to observe yourself instead of reaching out for the food. In a way, you have already altered your response. More so, you have bought yourself some ‘space’. When you feel a little calmer internally, check with yourself, ‘do you really want to do this?’ Chances are, the intensity of the pangs or cravings might have reduced. Now, you are at a better space to decide what you will do. You can then take a conscious decision about whether you will go order a pizza, or wait…for a healthier meal !
To sum it up, if you create a little mindful space between your craving and your response, it will help you choose your response with more awareness…
Hope this has helped. Do share your thoughts and ideas with us through your comments. Also, if you know anybody who would benefit from reading this article, please do share it with them
Image Credit: joo0ey
If you liked this blog and wish to receive such blogs written by our team in your mailbox, enter your email id in the box below:
About the Author: Malini Krishnan is part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about her here.
You can follow Inner Space on Google+, Facebook and twitter for regular updates of their articles and share with them what you feel about this post.
PSYCHOLOGY ARTICLES FROM INNER SPACE : BEST OF 2012
The Inner Space Office
Inner Space turns two today. It is a delightful feeling for the whole team here. Not just because we have done well and these two years of psychotherapeutic work as a counselling center have been extremely fruitful, but also because we have been able to do good work that we are happy about. But that is about us. Inner Space is not only about its team, it is about all of you who visited us, shared with us, read our posts or connected with us in some way-online or offline. I want to deeply thank you for this connection and for being with us in these two years.
Occasions like these are always a time for me to pause and look back at the road that has been travelled. Malini (whose soothing voice I can hear at the moment gently and patiently whispering into the phone answering enquiries about therapy) and I plan to sit together, along with cups of our favourite flavoured green tea and revisit the year that has passed. We hold Inner Space and all our therapists close to us in spirit and invite you to be with us and share this space with us as we select some pieces that we feel were most meaningful and among our favourites in 2012.
Here is our pick of the ten best psychology articles of this year, from Inner Space:
What’s the Big Deal About Being in the Present?
Why Accept a Problem?
How to Be Mindful? – Exercise 2: Breathing Meditation
How to Be Mindful? – Exercise 7: Dealing with Emotions and Feelings?
Understanding Aggressive Children – The Victim Behind the Aggressor
Understand Teenage Suicide: Get Into Their Shoes
Managing Anger: Guidance for Adolescents
Indian Marriage: Strained by Changing Women’s Roles?
Communication: “You” v/s “I” Statements
Focusing Excessively on Progress: How We Contribute to Our Stress at Work
Do share your thoughts with us via comments
If you liked this blog and wish to receive such blogs written by our team in your mailbox, enter your email id in the box below:
About the Author: Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here. You can follow them on Facebook, Google+ and twitter for regular updates of their work and share with them what you feel about this post.
KNOWING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: WHAT IT REALLY IS AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Where there are relationships, there are bound to be rough patches. However, sometimes, relationships slip into a rut or a negative pattern where one partner is continuously angry, blaming and hurtful…or is suspicious, mistrustful and doubting. Sometimes, unfortunately, both partners have some such behaviors that adversely affect the relationship. Patterns such as these, when severe and repetitive constitute ‘Emotional Abuse’ or ‘Psychological Abuse’.
Psychological or emotional abuse is actually rather prevalent. It wouldn’t take you too long to think of a relationship where both partners suffered immensely because one or both partners were either verbally abusive, blackmailed the other, were extremely controlling or dominating, or suspicious. All these behaviors are actually forms of emotional abuse.
We wrote an article for Women’s Web, describing emotional abuse in detail – what it really is, why it occurs and what one can do about it.
If you relate to what we have described above, or know somebody who would, this article would probably help. Even if you’ve been reading and thinking to yourself “this is often how I behave,”, this article would help you too.
The Article:
As Indian women, instances of physical and sexual violence are not new to us. Abuse suffered by our bodies torments us and makes us feel angry and unsafe. But, how about abuse suffered by just our minds? If left unaddressed, this abuse of the mind or, psychological abuse can grow to be very toxic for everybody involved in it.
How is psychological abuse a form of violence against women?
Many of us have been through some form of psychological abuse, but often do not know that that was abuse. Well, psychological abuse is any behaviour that induces in the victim, a feeling of trauma, anguish, humiliation and helplessness over a prolonged period of time. Several everyday examples of psychological abuse exist, including:…..
Let us know your perspectives of the ideas we shared through your comments.
Image Credit: Dragunsk
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About the Author: Sadia Raval and Malini Krishnan are part of the team of psychologists at Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist. You can know more about them here. You can follow them on Facebook, Google+ and twitter for regular updates of their work and share with them what you feel about this post.
FEELING STUCK? WHAT CAN YOU DO AS A FIRST STEP?
Sometimes, we feel stuck in a situation. We feel like nothing seems to be working and that we can’t think of solutions for ourselves. Then we feel like any attempt to try and solve the problem is a useless exercise and give it all up, feeling frustrated and hopeless within. I came across an article ‘The Creative Power of Thinking Outside Yourself’. This article reminded me of something I often use with my clients in therapy. According to this article:
“New research suggests we generate more creative ideas for other people than for ourselves”
In therapy, I often find clients feeling stuck, where no alternative seems to be good enough. At such times, helping them accept and work with the problem rather than worry about “why” this happened to them is a first step. Once they are ready and willing to work through the issue, helping them to creatively look at their own situation and hunt for alternatives is most helpful. However, that is exactly the time creativity is at it’s all time low. Then, I try harnessing some creativity by making the situation objective. This is what I try:
‘Imagine it’s not you, but another person who’s feeling stuck’
I often suggest that they should forget about themselves momentarily and imagine that the situation is faced by a distant friend or acquaintance who is asking them for help. What would their possible suggestions be? We even role play this at times, with me playing the part of the distant friend and they playing the role of the advisor. More often than not we have a few alternatives slowly coming up. This only adds proof to what the article is saying, which is, we are indeed more creative when it comes to others.
However, according to me, the story does not end here.
I feel like asking myself..
Why is this true? Why are we not creative but ‘stuck’ when it comes to ourselves?
According to the article it is because:
“When we think about a ‘nameless other’, our minds tend to think more abstractly. In an abstract frame it becomes easier to make creative leaps because we aren’t stuck thinking about concrete details.”
There are a few thoughts I’d like to add to this. In my understanding, we are also ‘freer’ when thinking for the other. We do not have to bear the consequence of the creative (and therefore novel) actions, hence we are lesser concerned about the potential negatives of our choices. Also, we do not have an estimate of another person’s ability to live through the consequences of these creative actions or decisions. For instance, in suggesting creative gift ideas, we do not know their taste, likes etc., so again that gives us a bigger canvas to paint on.
How can we Use This to Help When We are Feeling Stuck?
One way to direct this creativity that we seem to have only for others to ourselves is what we know as “brainstorming”.
Think of a problem situation you’ve been trying to resolve.
Now, come up with as many alternatives as you possibly can to deal with the situation. The important bit is not to pass a judgment on any alternative initially. Eg., do not mentally say “this is viable”, “that is not possible” when brainstorming. Then much later after the creativity has bubbled over, one takes heart firstly seeing that a whole lot of solutions are at least probable if not possible.
Then perhaps you can decide what’s appropriate and what’s not after assessing the obvious consequences.
This could be an effective first step to help you get started when you are feeling stuck. Try it and let us know about your experiences through your comments.
Image Credit: mrsdkrebs
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About the Author: Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here.
You can follow Inner Space on Google+, Facebook and twitter for regular updates of their articles and share with them what you feel about this post.
THE DIWALI LAMP… 5 MINUTES OF SILENT MEDITATION WITH IT
Diwali is here-a time of the year for festivity and rejoicing and I love all of that. The sweets, the gifts, the general feeling of gaiety and energy in the air-its invigorating.
There is another image, a slightly different one that also stays with me which I want to share with you. It is the image of the lamps burning away into the night, much after all the noise and the gaiety subsides. After the crackers have exploded and their echoes have faded away; and after people have slept, the silent flames of the lamps continue to illuminate the doorways deep into the night. For me these lamps signify the quiet light and strength that is underneath all the festivity, which connects more to the “inner space” within us.
In the spirit of this image of light and silence, I invite you to a five minute silence and meditation ritual that I feel connects beautifully to Diwali. Those of you who have been connected to us as readers of this website or clients, you know what being mindful, meditative and being in the present is all about. For others, you can read a bit about mindful living here.
The Ritual: 5 minutes of silent meditation with the Diwali lamp
This is something I have been doing for the past few years on Diwali and would love you to share this space with me in your own homes and minds. This Diwali, as you light the lamps, attempt to be silent for just five minutes, while you light them, being mindful of the oil you pour in them, of the wick as you wet it with the oil and of the flame as it lights, flickers and begins to burn.
Once lit perhaps you can take a minute or so to just watch its light, being conscious of the color, movement and warmth, before you move on to the next lamp. Light these lamps very slowly.
After completing a few lamps and when you feel you have been able to sense within you the quiet and silence within the flames, check in with yourself. Just observe how you feel in your heart and body. Sense the light, sense the inner space…
Do tell us in your comments what your experiences were.
Wishing you all a very Happy and mindful Diwali.
P.S.: The technique of meditating upon a lamp has been practiced for long. The kabbalah traditions, Sathya Sai baba’s jyothi meditation and several Buddhist traditions recommend this practice. In the early hours of morning especially, when you have awoken and are refreshed from your sleep but before the daylight has set in, is considered to be a good time. For those of you who liked this small ritual that I suggested, maybe you can go ahead and read on about meditating upon the lamp.
If you liked this blog and wish to receive such blogs written by our team in your mailbox, enter your email id in the box below:
About the Author: Sadia Raval is the Founder & Chief Psychologist of Inner Space – A center for counseling and psychological assessment. You can know more about her here.
You can follow Inner Space on Google+, Facebook and twitter for regular updates of their articles and share with them what you feel about this post.
