When you notice that your child is short tempered, stubborn, is resistant to instructions or finds it difficult to make friends, what do you usually think of the situation? Most of you think of it as a behavior problem, and this is a natural line of thought. You infer that the child needs better disciplining and stricter parenting, perhaps. Then, you try to resolve the problem using this understanding. You are firm with the child, try not to give in to his demands and try to encourage him at regular intervals to learn healthy behaviors. Haven’t you noticed that sometimes, even if you follow all these techniques, the child’s behavior does not change? Or, that it gets worse? In practice, we see this happening with several children. Their behaviors become more severe with time, until parents start to give up hope. What Really Is Going On? Your understanding of the child and the situation is not wrong, only it is possibly incomplete. You understood the situation as you saw it. You saw tantrums and cranky behavior. So you understood the situation as a behavioral problem and put in effort to change the child’s behavior. What’s amiss in this approach? Well, there are parts of the problem that are obvious in the child’s behavior. But, these are parts; or as we say, symptoms. The roots of the problem are often not obvious in the child’s behavior. Remember, the child’s understanding of the world and communication ability are still developing. Children will not be able to identify and communicate what really is happening to them internally. So, one would be mistaken if one equates what the child does with what he or she is, internally. The roots of any problem are always deeper than just the symptoms. To help the child, it is crucial to keep this in mind and to understand what these roots are. One crucial root of behavior problems is almost always ‘low self esteem’. A child who is not comfortable with who he or she is internally will often have behavioral problems. However, the link between low self esteem and behavior problems is not always clear. Hence, you might altogether miss recognizing that your child has low self esteem, which would mislead all your efforts in helping the child get better. The following paragraphs should make it easier for you to understand low self esteem more holistically, so that you can then understand your child better. What Is Low Self Esteem The Way We Know It? When you think of a child having low self esteem, what image spontaneously comes to your mind? That of a quiet, shy child, who is sensitive, who cries easily perhaps and who is afraid of taking initiative. These qualities again are not wrong or incorrect. But, they are not the only indicators of low self esteem. Is Your Child Having Low Self-Esteem? Counseling can be a great tool for you to support and understand your child’s emotional needs to ensure a happy, joyful childhood. We are here for you. Book an Appointment What Truly Is Low Self Esteem? Low self esteem in its essence means that one is not comfortable with himself, as he is – he is not happy being who he is. I want you to imagine being in such an emotional state – if you are not internally comfortable being who you are, what would that do to the way you see yourself, and the world around you? Do you think you would have been easily provoked? Pessimistic and thinking of the negative? Would little things have made you upset? – because they didn’t go your way? Even in imagination, you probably said ‘yes’ to most of these questions. Think of a person you know who is constantly grouchy, irritable or demanding. Now look deeper within that person. What would you be likely to see at his very core? – Happiness and contentment? Or a sense of lack in what he is as a person? The answer is clear. Low self esteem at a deeper level certainly leads to overt disturbances in behavior. You are now seeing the problem from its root, not just its surface. What Is The Connection Between Behavioural Problems And Low Self Esteem? There are two ways in which behavior problems could be connected to low self esteem. One is a direct connection. Because the child does not feel good about himself just as he is, he feels a sense of failure very easily. As an example, for other children, not getting a toy they want is mild disappointment. But for a child with low self esteem, it would seem like ‘failure’ – failure to get what he wanted. More than the toy, it is a feeling of success that he craves. He wants to change his inner feeling of failure. Hence, he devotes all his energy into getting the toy. Ironically, this struggle of the child is totally invisible to anybody watching his behavior or interacting with him. As spectators, all you see is the stubborn, unrelenting child who is insistent on getting a toy. Hence, the root of the problem remains unaddressed. The other connection between behavior problems and low self esteem is a more pervasive, indirect connection. If I were to feel low about myself, automatically, I would feel less happy, more anxious, more upset. I would easily feel uncomfortable in situations, be less willing to try out new things and feel easily threatened by changes in the environment. This feeling is not connected to any specific event or occasion. It is an internal feeling that stays pretty much throughout, like a layer or filter through which the child experiences life. Slowly, it shows in behavior as irritability, short-temperedness, crankiness etc. What Can You Do To Support Your Child? Understand the Child As a first step, try and understand your child for what he is. Be attentive to the child’s emotions rather than just his behavior. Try and put yourself in
